Radiation

Hi! I’m backkkkkk. It is been a REALLY long time since my last post. As a high school counselor, a great majority my time during the months of September-January is spent writing countless letters of recommendation for students’ college applications. Needless to say, when I get home, the last thing that I want to do is sit in front of a computer and write. Plus when I get home from work, my main focus shifts to parent survival mode: keep Easton busy, while one of us makes dinner and try to contain the toy cyclone that is about to hit our living room. By the time Easton goes to bed, Caley and I are pooped and all we want to do is sit down and watch our favorite trashy tv shows together. But, because I am caught up for the next major application deadline, I finally get a little time to breathe. And, to write. Now, let’s pick up where we left off…

Towards the end of July, my oncologist told me that it was finally time to start thinking about radiation. Because the cancer has spread into my chest wall and lymph nodes, the doctors wanted to make sure that any cells left over from surgery and chemotherapy were killed. Although radiation would not guarantee that every little cancerous cells was destroyed, it would definitely help. I agreed to follow through on this next phase of treatment and scheduled my first appointment. Unfortunately, Kaiser only has radiation equipment at Kaiser Sunset in LA, Kaiser Ontario, and Kaiser Anaheim, all of which are 20+ miles from where I live. Because radiation treatments would take place 5 days a week, Monday-Friday, for 5 weeks straight, I knew I needed a location that wouldn’t make the drive absolutely miserable. For this reason, I chose Kaiser Anaheim. Driving to this location each day meant that I would be going against traffic during the morning rush, and it was a straight shot down the 91 freeway. Fortunately, they were able to give me one of the first appointments in the morning which meant that I could go about my day once I was finished.

Prior to my official treatments starting, I met with a radiation technician at the Kaiser Anaheim location to undergo a series of scans that the radiology oncologist and physicists were going to use to map out my treatment. Because radiation is a series of beams that is essentially destroying cells within your body, it is crucial that these beams to don’t hit certain organs. Scary right? Once they took the scans, they determined which way the beams in the radiation machine would be set up for each treatment. The goal is to have the beams precisely hit the targeted area every single time. In order to ensure that the technicians would know where to line up the beams at each treatment, I was told that I would be receiving 4 little blue dot tattoos on my chest. Excuse me, did you say tattoos?

I have to admit, I was very nervous about these tattoos. Although I knew they were going to be little, I think I was afraid of what they would look like in addition to the buzzing noise of the tattoo needle. EEEEK! I’m a big chicken, I know. The technician told me that I would not get the tattoos until my “test run.” Whew! The “test run” appointment is like a mock treatment. During the test run, the radiologists make sure that the “mapping” they decided on is accurate and safe. I’m telling you, this radiation thing is no joke. They take it very seriously….as they should.

Finally the day of my “test run” came. They brought me into the radiation room which was a HUGE room with the machine right in the middle. There were greens beams shooting from two side of the room which intersected on the radiation table. One of the walls was pure glass with a beautiful plant wall behind it. The room was named “Serenity” and I could definitely understand why. It was very calm, and there was some soft music playing in the background. They told me that can put one whichever Pandora station I’d like during my treatments. For this particular morning, Bob Marley was already playing, and it was calming and relaxing so I told them that they could keep it. 

After they positioned me on the table, they told me that it was time for the moment that I had been dreading…the tattoos. The nurse came over to my side and told me that she would be placing 4 small dots around the right side of my chest. To my surprise, the needle actually looked more like an injection needle. It had no buzzing sound or any resemblance of the tattoo needles I’ve seen on tv. She told me that she was ready to begin, and I took a deep breath as she started the first dot. In retrospect, I don’t know why I was so nervous about the pain of the needle. I had forgot that I still had no feeling around the whole right side of my chest and shoulder. So in other words, I didn’t feel a thing. Duh, Kelley! As I laid there for the remaining tattoos, a song from the band Sublime came on. For a minute, I felt like I was in an actual tattoo parlor. Although this isn’t how I pictured getting my first tattoo, the ambiance was pretty legit.

Four tiny itty bitty blue dots later, I was ready for my treatment test run. The technicians went behind the screen and the machine began to circle around me and move accordingly to how the beams were centered. It lasted a whole 3-5 minutes, and then I was done. This is pretty much how all of my treatments for the next 5 weeks went. As soon as I got the radiation center, I waited to get called back, changed into a gown, received my 3-5 minute treatment, and I was finished. The treatments themselves were pretty painless. The real pain started about 2 weeks into treatment, once my skin began to burn.

Weeks 3-5 got progressively worse. Fortunately, my skin never blistered, but it was definitely sensitive. I rubbed pure aloe vera and a medicated ointment on it a couple times a day to help with the pain. The most inconvenient part was trying to find clothes that wouldn’t irritate the area. Even a bra was challenging to wear at times. My energy was pretty good, except I would feel a little tired towards the end of the day.

Week 2

Week 4

Radiation to the Lymph Nodes

Week 5. Looks like someone took an iron to my chest

Burning on my back from the rays going through my chest

During the last week of my radiation treatments, I actually began back at work. On my first day, I walked into an office filled with balloons, “welcome back” signs, and inspirational quotes posted all around my office.  Our schools’s ASB also gave me a beautiful gift basket filled with pink items to represent breast cancer and a really cool sign that said “stay strong” to hang in my office. It was so nice to be back and feel so much love from my students and colleagues. I am so grateful to work with  them and be around such amazing people each day.

Before I knew it, 5 weeks had past, and I finished my last treatment. That was a grand total of 25 radiation treatments. Upon returning to school, I found a beautiful vase of roses on my desk, given by my mom, to congratulate me on the end of radiation. The treatments were long and monotonous, but I got through it. Around that time, my hair also started growing back. Horray! I’m pretty sure I told Caley “Look! Look! It’s coming back!” about 3-5 times a day for those first few weeks. Thank you Caley for continuing to acknowledge this momentous occasion for me, although I’m sure it got pretty annoying at times.

Although it has been several months since my last post, my plan is to keep writing about my experience. During my time off, I realized that writing for my blog was actually therapeutic. Of course, my hope is still for it to bring awareness to the experiences breast cancer patients face and hopefully help someone in the process. Because I don’t want my writing to take time away from spending time with my family or doing other things I love, it may be a little shorter, less refined, and more sporadic. Nevertheless, thank you for reading my blog posts and following me on this journey.

Much love,

Kelley

Summer of ’16

Life has been incredibly busy over the last month. I finished radiation a couple weeks ago (more on that later) and I have finally returned to work after 4 long months! Because of this, I have had very little time to sit down and write. But like they say, better late than never. Right?

I’m sure I am not the only one, but I really can’t believe that it is already the end of September. It seemed like we just celebrated Labor Day, and now Halloween decorations are popping up everywhere. Perhaps because it is still 90+ degrees in Southern California, it doesn’t really feel like it is fall. Or, maybe I am just in denial because of how much I love summer. Either way, I know that I need to accept the fact that summer is over.

While the surgery and chemotherapy alone made my summer extremely “memorable,” it was what I did in between treatments that really made this summer special. Although many of the things we did this summer were typical, experiencing them in the midst of fighting cancer put a new spin on them. I learned how a heart of gratitude and get you through your darkest of days and about the importance of valuing each and every day, despite it’s challenges and setbacks. So before I dive into my experiences with radiation, I would like to share some of these moments with you. With that said, here we go…

Because Caley and I are educators, we are so fortunate to have a couple of months off each summer to do pretty much whatever we want together. Because “quality time” is my love language, you can only imagine how much I LOVE spending every day with Caley. Now Caley on the other hand, may feel a little differently about the situation (kidding). However, this year, my “summer” started way back in April when I had my bi-lateral mastectomy. At that time, I did not know what treatments would be required, but I later found out that I would need to take additional time off-work to handle the effects of chemotherapy and radiation. Although I have been off work for approximately 4 months, it has definitely been no “vacation.” As you may remember from previous posts, that first month was HARD. I could hardly move and my weeks were filled with countless doctor’s appointments. While my time at home was spent focusing on my health and mobility, I eventually began regaining the physical strength that I had temporarily lost. Once I was able to pick up Easton and drive again, I felt like I got some of my life back. Fortunately, this was right around the time Caley’s school ended, which meant that it was officially summer for the both of us.

At this point, I had already started my chemo treatments and had been instructed to stay out of the sun and away from large crowds of people. Obviously, this can really put a damper on summer plans. However, we decided that we would still try to do as much as we could, despite my restrictions. In a previous post, I talked about the road trip Caley, Easton, and I took up to northern California to visit my friend Brooke and her husband, Kris. While we were there, Brooke and I began talking about our 30th birthdays and how we wanted to something fun and memorable to celebrate our big 3-0 (Brooke’s birthday is a month after mine). She mentioned that they were thinking about taking a trip to New Orleans to celebrate her birthday because it seemed like such a fun city. Caley and I told them that we have always wanted to go to New Orleans, but the timing was never right. We were either too busy planning a wedding, saving money for a house, or trying to survive life with a newborn. Within seconds of me telling her this, it clicked: We should celebrate our 30th birthdays in New Orleans together! The four of us looked at our calendars and determined that we could probably squeeze in a trip right before I started radiation treatments in August. This was also a great time because I would be almost fully recovered from my final chemo treatment. A few weeks later, I texted Brooke and we made it official. We were going to New Orleans! This time Easton was not invited. I love you little man, but mom and dad need a vacation!

Because New Orleans wouldn’t happen until the first week in August, I still wanted to plan something fun for my actual birthday on July 6th. When I turned 18, I decided that I would make it my goal to celebrate each birthday by trying something new. At that time, I had just graduated high school and was ready to experience life. Since then, my birthday adventures have ranged from crazy things like skydiving to something as simple as shooting a gun. This year, I decided that I wanted to experience a television taping as my “new” thing.  Unfortunately, not many shows tape during the summer, but I did manage to find a few. Of my choices, “Let’s Make a Deal” seemed like it would be the most fun. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show, the studio audience dresses up in funny costumes and are randomly selected to “make a deal” with the host, Wayne Brady. Although Caley and I were not selected to “make a deal,” we still had so much fun! We laughed, we shouted, and we danced our hearts out. Needless to say, we were exhausted by the end of the show. I definitely think that I may have pushed myself a little too far that day because I fell asleep in the car within minutes of leaving the studio. Even though Caley and I were both beyond tired, it was totally worth it.

Each time I finish celebrating my birthday, I always think to myself “I should really make it a point to try new things more often.” There is something about trying new things that really brings a new sense of thrill and enjoyment to life. I will be the first to admit, that sometime the “thrills” of life get lost with the craziness that comes with working full-time while still trying to be a mom and wife. Often times I’m thinking 10 steps ahead so that I don’t fall one step behind. Sound familiar? Now don’t get my wrong, I love my life and I have so many reasons to be thankful. However, this summer I felt as though I was able to finally see so much enjoyment, gratitude, and meaning in the smallest details of my everyday life. And I strongly believe that this was because my pace of life was drastically slowed down by my treatments, and I was now viewing my life through a completely new lens. That lens being through the eyes of a cancer patient.

This became especially clear during the couple trips we managed to squeeze in before/after chemo treatments. As a little kid, going to the river was a summer tradition. I have so many memories of riding on our boat with a squeeze-it in my hand and driving our sea-coo while sitting on my mom’s lap. Before Easton was born, Caley and I always talked about how excited we were for the day that we could take our kids to the river and make our own memories as a family. And now that Easton was here, that time had come. We went to the river several times this summer, and each time was incredibly special. Although most of my time was spent underneath the e-z up to avoid the sun (like the doctor had ordered), my heart was full as I watched the love of my life splash around in the water with the our son like we had always talked about. I even took  Easton out on a short sea-doo ride with him on my lap, just like I did with my mom. In each of these moments, my heart was bursting with gratitude to our Creator for providing me with another opportunity to have these memories with my family. I think when you have a life threatening disease, it is so easy to be angry at God for all of the life experiences and moments that you fear you may never get to see. For me, I don’t know if I will be there for Easton’s high school and college graduation, or for his wedding, or at the hospital when he becomes a parent himself.  But, I do know that God has allowed me to be here now to enjoy Easton’s first few years of life. And for that, I am extremely thankful. While we are human, and it is easy to lose sight of our blessings in the midst of our pain and worry, it is so important to recognize God’s gifts. I know it has made my pain and suffering so much easier to bare, and has actually led me to feel more fulfilled than any other time in my life. I wish it didn’t take cancer for me to finally understand this. But like I said earlier, better late than never, right?

While we are on the topic of recognizing our blessings, I have to give a shout out to my husband Caley. This summer, Caley and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. And I am going to warn you now, this is about to get sappy. I have always said that marrying Caley was THE best decision that I have ever made, and he has never proven me wrong. However, I was reminded of this at our friend’s wedding this past June. During the wedding ceremony I completely lost it as they recited their vows. It instantly brought me back five years ago to that hot July day in Temecula when we too promised to “love and cherish each other, in sickness and in health.” Never in a million years would we have guessed that I would be diagnosed with breast cancer only a few years later. As I sat there crying, I couldn’t help but think about how deep my love and respect was for Caley and how he has continued to make me feel like the most beautiful bride despite my baldness, scars, and other insecurities. There is a saying that goes, “When you get married, you don’t marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being.” By the time we reach our 10 year anniversary, I am sure Caley will have experienced at least 10 different Kelleys as a result of cancer. But Caley is a man of his word and will continue to love and support me through each phase because that is the man I married. Caley always jokes that he “duped” me into marrying him. But I think it is the other way around. Thank you Caley for being the husband that you promised to be five years ago. Just when I think I can’t love you any more than I already do, you help me find a way. Each day with you is a gift, and I love you now and forever.

Ok so I ran out of kleenex, so lets move on to New Orleans.

Although I did not really know what to expect, I was super pumped for New Orleans. Caley and I had always heard that New Orleans was a really cool city, but I don’t think we really knew HOW awesome it would turn out to be. We arrived in New Orleans a day before Brooke and Kris, and spent this time checking out Bourbon Street and some local museums. Bourbon Street was exactly how I had pictured it to be: crowded with drunk people, beads all over the street, and lots of good food and music. We also had the opportunity to ride a street car to WWII museum, which Caley and I deemed as the most amazing museum that we had ever seen. Once Brooke and Kris arrived, we began our quest for the best food in town. Thanks to their foodie knowledge, we dined at some of the best places in the French Quarter and of course had some beignets from the famous Cafe Dumode. We also went to Frenchmen Street where we listened to a brass band play all night while sitting up on one of those beautiful Spanish balconies. We also took a city tour, visited an old cemetery, and rode on airboats through the Louisiana bayou. And of course, we spent each night at a bar with live music, yummy drinks, and dancing. While I had to be mindful of my physical limitations, I still felt like I really got to experience the life of the city.

WWII Museum

Bourbon Street

Cheers to 30 years

Air boating on the bayou

Mint Juleps!

My partner in crime

Although I don’t really have a “bucket list,” I’m so glad that I can say that I have experienced New Orleans. There we so many times during the trip where I just stopped and thought, “Wow, thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to do this.” While the trip reminded me that there are a lot of things that cancer may prevent me from doing in the future, it also reminded me of the importance of recognizing and appreciating the things that I DO get experience. Being grateful in those moments have definitely helped me keep some of my sanity. It has reduced much of the worry and anxiety that comes with the uncertainty of having cancer. Of course, I still have pity parties now and then, but they are short and are usually interrupted by a little blonde-haired boy who tells me that he wants his “ba-ba.” And as I grab that “ba-ba” off the counter, I am reminded that I have so much to be thankful for. Pity party over.

Although I tried, I don’t know if I can fully explain how cancer has changed my perspective on life. If you have been in my shoes, you probably know what I am talking about. A few months ago, I heard a breast cancer survivor describe surviving cancer as getting pushed to the edge of cliff and as you are falling forward, you suddenly get yanked back. And from that moment forward, you realize how desperately in love you are with life. And right now, that is exactly how I feel: I am desperately in love with my life.

Despite whether you are currently battling cancer, are in remission, or are perfectly healthy, I hope that you too have come to recognize how beautiful your life is despite its challenges. When you wake up each morning, I hope that you realize that you have just been given an amazing gift: the gift of life. And as you go about your busy day, don’t forget to stop an acknowledge those special moments that are often missed during our hurry. And as you recognize those moments, make sure you give God a little shout-out for His greatness and for the blessings that he has put in your life.

And together we’ll say, “Thank you Lord for this day”…

Amen.

 

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Chemo: The Last Treatment

July 15, 2016

For the first time ever, I woke up extremely excited about chemo. I had been waiting for this day for so long, and couldn’t believe that it was finally here. Although I was ready to put chemo behind me, I was still nervous about my last treatment. As you may remember, my previous chemo treatment took a total of 7 1/2 hours because I had multiple allergic reactions to my chemo drug (Taxotere). If the allergic reactions weren’t bad enough, I was also pumped full of other drugs and steroids to combat the reactions.  When I left my 3rd chemo treatment, my body felt like a walking pharmacy. You name a drug, I had it. And, I really didn’t want to go through that again.

My meds “checklist”

Around noon, we checked in to the oncology office with our usual gear and found a seat in the waiting room. The office staff informed me that they were running behind and that they would bring me in as soon as a chair became available. Because of how long my last treatment took, Caley and I were worried that we would be there all night. After waiting for an hour, the nurse finally called us into the chemo center. As soon as I gave the nurse a run-down of my last treatment, she quickly got things started. Like last time, I was given anti-nausea medicine, benedryl, and an additional drug to coat my stomach before starting the chemo drugs. I also asked the nurse to put me on a slower drip than last time to hopefully prevent another allergic reaction. And with that, I began my last treatment.

Chemo is hard work.

The chemo machine.

This is what bald looks like 🙂

My Taxotere drip.

Despite the drugs, steroids, and slower drip, I found myself surrounded by three nurses just seconds later. Yep, my body officially HATES Taxotere. So much in fact, that when the slightest amount of Taxotere creeps into my system, my body goes on high alert and says “Nope! Not Happening!” Because we caught the allergic reaction so quickly, the nurse and I decided to skip the steroid and just try again on an even slower drip. Due to our time crunch, the nurse slowly sped up the drip every 30 minutes. Each time she increased the drip, I sat there just waiting for another allergic reaction to happen. This time I was fine. However, as Caley and I had anticipated, I was the last patient in the chemo room and was there way past closing. I apologized to the nurse, but she reassured me that it was just fine. As I got off of my chair, she congratulated me for officially finishing chemo and pulled me in for a big hug. Wooohooo! I was DONE.

My cheerleader celebrating my victory! He even wore an “Angels” shirt in my honor even though he loves the Dodgers. We are a house divided.

As we exited the chemo center doors, Caley patted me on the back and said “You did, it. It’s over.” At that moment, a huge wave of emotion came over me and I completely lost it in the hallway. I didn’t anticipate the overwhelming emotions that I would feel once it was officially over. Although I am not a runner, I imagine it is like the feeling that a runner experiences after crossing the finish line of an extremely difficult race. The type of race where you wanted to give up several times, but kept moving forward. The type of race where your body was absolutely exhausted, but you found the strength to take that next step. The type of race where you questioned your ability to finish, but continually silenced that debilitating voice. And finally, the type of race where you feel biggest sense of relief, gratefulness, and pride upon finishing. Yes, you’re right Caley: I DID IT. WE DID IT.

Although chemo was over, my body felt the aftermath of the “race” for the next several days. I had a significant amount of nausea (but no vommiting), lots of aches and pains, and really bad mucositis (mouth, throat, and digestive track sores/ulcers). I have to admit, this final treatment hit me HARD. However, it was reassuring to know that the pain would soon end, and I would be finally finished with all of it.  Each day, I reminded myself to just get through today and hope for a better tomorrow. About a week later, that “ better tomorrow” came, and I started feeling back to my normal self. It wasn’t until my last symptoms subsided that I felt like chemo was finally “over.”

Perhaps one of my most exciting days was giving my last immunity injection. Because chemo also kills white blood cells (the ones that fight off colds/infections), chemo patients are at a higher risk of getting sick and/or getting a life-threatening infection. To help prevent infection, patients are required to give five days of self-injections, starting two days after each chemo treatment to help stimulate white blood cells production. Prior to my first chemo treatment, a nurse showed me how to give my own injection into the four quadrants of my stomach. The injections themselves are not too painful, but it process of administering the injection is just unpleasant. I just hated pressing the needle against my stomach and watching it puncture my skin. EEK! And although I used new needles after every chemo, I swore that the each injection set came with duller needles than the ones before. Needless to say, the end of these injections was a VERY HAPPY day for me.

Another thing that I was excited about was to finally stop worrying about germs. Obviously, an infection or cold is the last thing that you want during chemo, especially when your body has no way to fight back. Once chemo started, I definitely went full fledge GERMAPHOBE. After buying hand soap for every sink in our house, I must have washed my hands at least 30 times a day. Of course, that was in addition the hand sanitizer in my purse that I used when I was out in public (babyganics has a great hypoallergenic hand sanitizer). I also sprayed Lysol around our entire house twice a day and had Caley bathe Easton as soon as he got home from daycare each day and/or any time he was around other kids. My nurse had also recommended that I refrain from hugging/kissing others and staying away from anyone who is sick.  Although it was a hassle, it was worth it because I stayed healthy the entire time. Obviously, I may not have needed to go to such extreme lengths to avoid getting sick, but I would definitely recommend that anyone going through chemo remain mindful of their weakened immune system. You definitely need all of your energy to get through chemo, so take good care of yourself!

For those of you who are about to begin chemo, here are a few other things that I would highly recommend getting/doing before you begin treatments. Also, if you know anyone who is about to go through chemo, these items could help make a great care package. WINK. WINK.

•  Biotine Toothpaste & Mouthwash

This was a LIFESAVER for me. I was given these as a gift from my husband’s coworker who went through chemo a few years ago. This toothpaste and mouthwash was very gentle on my mouth, especially when I started developing mouth sores. Regular toothpaste made everything sting. If you get one thing, get this!

• Sally Hansen Cuticle OilAny cuticle/nail strengthening oil will suffice. I used this every night on my fingernails and toenails to help keep them moist. Chemo can dry out everything on your body and cause your fingernails/toenails to fall off. I still have all my nails, and I really think that this helped. When I would forget to use it, I could definitely feel a difference. I was also given this by a former chemo-patient.

•  Aveeno Body Lotion

Any good hypoallergenic lotion would work. Like I mentioned before, chemo really dries everything up so keeping your skin hydrated helps prevent irritation. I used this everyday on my entire body as soon as I got out of the shower, and I never had any skin issues. In addition to the lotion, I used hypoallergenic body wash (Dove: Sensitive skin body wash) and make-up removing wipes (Simple: Micellaires Make-up Removing wipes). My skin was actually better during chemo, than any other time in my life. Go figure.

• Alterna Bamboo Smooth Kendi Oil

Yep, your bald head needs some love too. It will most likely need to be oiled every other day. Some may prefer using lotion, but I used the same oil that I used to oil my human-hair wigs. I’ve even heard of people using coconut or olive oil. It’s totally up to you. During chemo, your head will stop producing its natural oils and your scalp can become dry, flaky, and itchy. And, that’s no fun.

• Eating Well Through Cancer by Holly Clegg & Gerald Miletello,MD

You may remember me mentioning this book in an earlier post. I did not end up using very many recipes from the book, but it had great information on how certain foods can alleviate common chemo side effects. It was very helpful, and I would definitely recommend it!

• Sign up for a “Look Good, Feel Better” class in your area

The American Cancer Society offers a free “Look Good, Feel Better” beauty class that gives tips on how to look your best despite (potentially) losing your hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, fingernails, ect. They even give you a bag full of great beauty products from companies like Dior, Bobbie Brown, Smashbox, MAC, Estee Lauder, Mary Kay, and Neutrogena. I found that putting on make-up and wearing my wig every once in a while really did improve my mood. So if you have the energy, try it!

Of course, please remember that the side effects that I experienced were specific to the chemo drugs Taxotere and Cytoxen. Chemo is going to affect everyone differently, so please keep this in mind as you plan and prepare for treatment. As always, I would encourage you to ask you doctor plenty of questions and do your own research regarding what may be the best products for you to use during treatment.

To sum up my chemo experience, I would say that it was tough, but doable. Although my treatments and cycles became increasingly difficult, I got through it. And you know what? You will too. Remind yourself every day that you are stronger than your cancer, even in your weakest moments. This is important because battling cancer requires not only physical stamina, but also mental strength. Keep yourself in good spirits by celebrating little victories and do something fun after each treatment. If you can, try to bring a “cheerleader” to your chemo appointments. I was so grateful to have Caley by my side each time, even if he may have fallen asleep a couple times. Friends and family, if you can be that “cheerleader” for someone, please be it. If work or some other obligation prevents you from going to treatments, you can also support them by running errands for them or taking them to the grocery store (if their energy is low from chemo). For me, it was just nice to get out of the house. Going out to lunch or to a movie were “treats,” and I really enjoyed the time away from our couch. I also felt so loved and supported by all the texts and calls I received after each treatment. It was comforting knowing that there were so many people praying for me and that I had an army of “cheerleaders” outside of the chemo center. A special thank you to my family and friends (and even some strangers) who have really gone out of their way to support me during this time. My heart is forever grateful. And with that said, I am on to radiation….

Chemo: Round 2 & 3

 

Approximately 3 weeks after my first chemo treatment, I woke up to little hairs all over my pillow. The time had finally come: my hair was falling out.

When my hair began to fall out, it definitely was not a surprise. I had read that many women begin losing their hair 12-14 days after their first treatment, so I knew it was coming. My scalp had also recently become really sensitive, tight, and itchy, which is typical before chemo hair loss. Over the next several days, the shedding became worse. Each time that I took a shower, I found my hands covered in hair and more of my short hairs clogging the drain. My hair was all over the place: the furniture, the floor, the car, everywhere. I couldn’t escape it. To make matters worse,  my fallen hairs also liked to collect around the collar of my tops, making me look like mountain man who’s body hair was trying to escape out of his shirt. Cute, right?. After about a week of generous efforts by friends and family to swipe away the hair collecting on the back of my shirts, I decided that I really needed to do something about the rest of my hair. During this time, I was especially thankful that I had cut my long hair before this process began. It is an incredibly messy process, and long hair would have made everything look so much worse. Although it is a very personal decision, I would highly recommend it to anyone who is about to go through a similar experience.

A few days after my 2nd treatment, I was in out backyard shaking off the hairs from my pillowcase when I decided that I had enough.  I needed to shave my head. At that time, all we really had on hand was Caley’s beard trimmer. We knew it probably wasn’t the most appropriate tool, but I was SO over it and just wanted it done. I told Caley  that I would try to brush out as much hair as I could beforehand so we wouldn’t clog the trimmers. As I began combing through my hair, massive clumps started coming out. Because of the amount of hair that was falling out, I told Caley that I thought I might not even need the trimmers. And I was right. After about 45 minutes of combing, I was almost completely bald.

I asked Caley to shave the remaining hairs with the trimmer, but as he began shaving, it felt like little needles were stabbing me in the back of the head. Because I was afraid that the pain from my stubble moving against my pillow at night would make it impossible to sleep, I asked Caley to stop. Since I had very little hair left, decided that I would just let my remaining hair fall out naturally. For the next several weeks, I affectionately referred the remaining hairs as, “the few, the proud, the brave.” I was also relieved to find that Easton really didn’t care that his Momma was bald. I still received plenty of hugs, kisses, and cuddles. OOH I JUST LOVE THAT LITTLE MAN!

That evening, I washed my bald head for the first time. Because my scalp had become so dry and flaky over the last couple of weeks, I knew it needed a good scrub. I thought that using Easton’s hypoallergenic baby wash would be the perfect solution for my extremely sensitive scalp.  Since I was used to shampoo-ing long hear, I poured way too much soap into my hand and began to lather. As I was washing my bald head, I looked down at the four surgical scars on my chest and thought to myself “how did I get here?” I am only 29, I have cancer, I’m bald from chemo, and I’ve had a bi-lateral mastectomy. Am I really going to make it?

It was maybe two seconds later before I noticed the scent of Easton’s baby wash fill the shower. Now the scent itself is nothing special, but what is special, is what that scent reminded me of: my little boy. Just as I was beginning to think about all of the things that I cancer has taken from me, I was instantly reminded of everything that I was fighting to keep: my family. I would trade-in every part of my body and be in pain every day just to have a life with Easton and Caley. I love them so much, and they are the reason why I am going to fight this thing as hard as I can.

As I continued my treatment, I continued to wear my “uniform” to each session. Before I started chemo, I read a blog about a women who decided that she was going to wear a “chemo uniform” to her treatments. The thought behind the uniform is that you are getting dressed to go to “work.” Because after all, that is what you are doing during each treatment. You are WORKING to survive. I liked this idea, so I created my own “uniform” of things that were special to me and would remind me of what I am “working” for during my treatments. My uniform consisted of:

1. A hat
2. My “keep calm and fight on” breast cancer shirt given to my by Caley’s co-workers
3. My “mom” bracelet that Caley and Easton gave me for mother’s day this year
4. My “team Kelley” bracelet from my surgery
5. My giving key “Breathe” necklace that I received from my best friend, Brooke.

Enjoying my “private” room during my second treatment. Normally, patients are separated by a curtain.

Although my first chemo treatment was as just as easy as sitting there, I definitely “worked” during my next two treatments. The process for checking into the chemo center, meeting my nurse, and getting the iv started was all the same as the first treatment. However, during my second treatment, I found out that I was in fact, allergic to my chemo drug Taxotere. I started having a reaction a little while after the nurse started the Taxotere. I began feeling light-headed, became short of breath, and got REALLY hot. I told Caley that I wasn’t feeling well, and he looked at me and told me that my chest and face were red. I looked down, and could see my arms turning red as well. Caley called for the nurse, and they quickly turned off the drip. They gave me a steroid to combat the reaction, and I was back to normal in within 15 minutes. From what I was told, it is not uncommon for an allergic reaction to happen during the second treatment. With each treatment, more and more of the drug accumulates in your body, increasing your sensitivity to the drug. However, my oncologist did give the “go ahead” to continue with the Taoxtere. Just at a slower drip. Caley did his version of “yoga” to pass help pass the time.

When I first learned that my chemo treatments would take place during summer, I had mixed emotions. I was partially relieved because it meant that I would not be missing a ton of work since school is not in session (I am high school counselor). However, I also felt disappointed because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to do anything fun with Caley (who is also off for summer) and Easton. No one really knows how chemo is going to affect them, and like I said before, it is really going to be different for everyone. But getting through that first treatment really gave me hope that chemo was not going to hold me back this summer. I told Caley that as long as we planned around my “bad weeks,” we may be able to squeeze in a small trip here or there. And that is exactly what we did.

Based on how I felt after my first chemo treatment, I knew that I would probably be feeling my best about a week before my 3rd treatment. We had already tentatively planned a trip a few months earlier for 3-days in Sonoma, but I really wanted to make the most of my “good” week. We decided that we would try spending a few days in San Francisco with my best friend, Brooke, and her husband Kris before heading farther north. They moved there about a year ago for Kris’ job and are now living the “city” life in a super cute apartment that is within walking distance of the Golden Gate Bridge. Seeing her is exactly what I needed. We had so much fun spending time with them, and Caley and I got to see and experience a lot of really cool things. And yes, Easton came too. But he was too busy playing with Brooke and Kris’ puppy (Scout) for 3 days to really care about anything else. Needless to say, they became instant friends.

 

Golden Gate Bridge

Palace of Fine Arts

Armstrong Redwoods State Natural Reserve

Community Market- Sebastopol

Florence Ave- Sebastopol

Clos Du Bois Winery

Russian River Brewery

Hi Caley!

Once we got back from Sonoma and San Francisco, it was time for my third treatment. Unfortunately, during this treatment, I had another allergic reaction. This one came quicker and stronger than the first. However, this time I could tell that it was starting, so the nurse was able to turn off the drip before it got really bad. This happened twice. Each time I had a reaction, they give me a steroid, and I was required to wait 30 minutes before starting the Taxotere again. Because of all of the starting, stoping, and waiting, this treatment took 7 1/2 hours. It was such a long day, and we were both SO glad when it was over. For the next several days, I just kept telling myself: Just 1 more treatment.

The beginning stages of “chemo burn” from the iv. It got much worse.

As you can tell, the last two of months have been very eventful. Coming to terms with my baldness was definitely a major step toward accepting my current life situation. Little things, like Easton’s baby wash, has continued to remind me each day of why my scars, aches, and pains are all worth it. It is not just the physical pain from treatments (surgery, chemo, radiation, ect ) that makes cancer tough, but it is the emotional toll it takes on you when you begin to realize how close you are to losing the things that matter to you most. Perhaps the hardest part, is knowing that that your will to fight won’t necessarily guarantee your survival. For those of you who have lost someone close to you from cancer, please know that they fought.  They fought hard, because they loved you. As a mother, wife, and daughter, I am certain of this. If my body does finally succumb to cancer, my biggest gift to Easton and Caley will be having done everything in my power to make it. The effort is everything.

For those of you who are still fighting, keep fighting, because there is SO MUCH hope. There are so many who have survived cancer, and there is great hope that you and I will be among that number. Perhaps one of the greatest pieces of advice that I received from a breast cancer survivor (in regards to chemo) was to allow yourself to rest on the days that you feel your worst. For me, my 2nd and 3rd treatments gradually became more difficult. It was the first time that I felt like I had cancer (physically). And that was hard. She also told me that allowing your body to rest does not mean that you are “giving into” the cancer. You are just giving your body the rest it needs to recover from the intensity of the treatments. I am a go-go-go type of girl, so this really hit home for me. Just because I have to veg out on the couch for a few days after my treatments does not make me weak. It is smart and necessary for my overall health. On the flip side, those little trips and outings with Caley and Easton have been crucial to keeping my positive outlook. If you are feeling up for it, take a trip somewhere. Seeing a new places or just spending time with the people you love, “resets” your mind. If chemo is keeping you in bed, that is perfectly fine too. Give you body the rest it needs and remember that the pain is temporary. It does not mean you are weak, it means that you are being smart. Take good care of yourself now and your body will eventually catch up. Until then, continue to fight as hard as you can.

You are stronger than you think.

 

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