Radiation

Hi! I’m backkkkkk. It is been a REALLY long time since my last post. As a high school counselor, a great majority my time during the months of September-January is spent writing countless letters of recommendation for students’ college applications. Needless to say, when I get home, the last thing that I want to do is sit in front of a computer and write. Plus when I get home from work, my main focus shifts to parent survival mode: keep Easton busy, while one of us makes dinner and try to contain the toy cyclone that is about to hit our living room. By the time Easton goes to bed, Caley and I are pooped and all we want to do is sit down and watch our favorite trashy tv shows together. But, because I am caught up for the next major application deadline, I finally get a little time to breathe. And, to write. Now, let’s pick up where we left off…

Towards the end of July, my oncologist told me that it was finally time to start thinking about radiation. Because the cancer has spread into my chest wall and lymph nodes, the doctors wanted to make sure that any cells left over from surgery and chemotherapy were killed. Although radiation would not guarantee that every little cancerous cells was destroyed, it would definitely help. I agreed to follow through on this next phase of treatment and scheduled my first appointment. Unfortunately, Kaiser only has radiation equipment at Kaiser Sunset in LA, Kaiser Ontario, and Kaiser Anaheim, all of which are 20+ miles from where I live. Because radiation treatments would take place 5 days a week, Monday-Friday, for 5 weeks straight, I knew I needed a location that wouldn’t make the drive absolutely miserable. For this reason, I chose Kaiser Anaheim. Driving to this location each day meant that I would be going against traffic during the morning rush, and it was a straight shot down the 91 freeway. Fortunately, they were able to give me one of the first appointments in the morning which meant that I could go about my day once I was finished.

Prior to my official treatments starting, I met with a radiation technician at the Kaiser Anaheim location to undergo a series of scans that the radiology oncologist and physicists were going to use to map out my treatment. Because radiation is a series of beams that is essentially destroying cells within your body, it is crucial that these beams to don’t hit certain organs. Scary right? Once they took the scans, they determined which way the beams in the radiation machine would be set up for each treatment. The goal is to have the beams precisely hit the targeted area every single time. In order to ensure that the technicians would know where to line up the beams at each treatment, I was told that I would be receiving 4 little blue dot tattoos on my chest. Excuse me, did you say tattoos?

I have to admit, I was very nervous about these tattoos. Although I knew they were going to be little, I think I was afraid of what they would look like in addition to the buzzing noise of the tattoo needle. EEEEK! I’m a big chicken, I know. The technician told me that I would not get the tattoos until my “test run.” Whew! The “test run” appointment is like a mock treatment. During the test run, the radiologists make sure that the “mapping” they decided on is accurate and safe. I’m telling you, this radiation thing is no joke. They take it very seriously….as they should.

Finally the day of my “test run” came. They brought me into the radiation room which was a HUGE room with the machine right in the middle. There were greens beams shooting from two side of the room which intersected on the radiation table. One of the walls was pure glass with a beautiful plant wall behind it. The room was named “Serenity” and I could definitely understand why. It was very calm, and there was some soft music playing in the background. They told me that can put one whichever Pandora station I’d like during my treatments. For this particular morning, Bob Marley was already playing, and it was calming and relaxing so I told them that they could keep it. 

After they positioned me on the table, they told me that it was time for the moment that I had been dreading…the tattoos. The nurse came over to my side and told me that she would be placing 4 small dots around the right side of my chest. To my surprise, the needle actually looked more like an injection needle. It had no buzzing sound or any resemblance of the tattoo needles I’ve seen on tv. She told me that she was ready to begin, and I took a deep breath as she started the first dot. In retrospect, I don’t know why I was so nervous about the pain of the needle. I had forgot that I still had no feeling around the whole right side of my chest and shoulder. So in other words, I didn’t feel a thing. Duh, Kelley! As I laid there for the remaining tattoos, a song from the band Sublime came on. For a minute, I felt like I was in an actual tattoo parlor. Although this isn’t how I pictured getting my first tattoo, the ambiance was pretty legit.

Four tiny itty bitty blue dots later, I was ready for my treatment test run. The technicians went behind the screen and the machine began to circle around me and move accordingly to how the beams were centered. It lasted a whole 3-5 minutes, and then I was done. This is pretty much how all of my treatments for the next 5 weeks went. As soon as I got the radiation center, I waited to get called back, changed into a gown, received my 3-5 minute treatment, and I was finished. The treatments themselves were pretty painless. The real pain started about 2 weeks into treatment, once my skin began to burn.

Weeks 3-5 got progressively worse. Fortunately, my skin never blistered, but it was definitely sensitive. I rubbed pure aloe vera and a medicated ointment on it a couple times a day to help with the pain. The most inconvenient part was trying to find clothes that wouldn’t irritate the area. Even a bra was challenging to wear at times. My energy was pretty good, except I would feel a little tired towards the end of the day.

Week 2

Week 4

Radiation to the Lymph Nodes

Week 5. Looks like someone took an iron to my chest

Burning on my back from the rays going through my chest

During the last week of my radiation treatments, I actually began back at work. On my first day, I walked into an office filled with balloons, “welcome back” signs, and inspirational quotes posted all around my office.  Our schools’s ASB also gave me a beautiful gift basket filled with pink items to represent breast cancer and a really cool sign that said “stay strong” to hang in my office. It was so nice to be back and feel so much love from my students and colleagues. I am so grateful to work with  them and be around such amazing people each day.

Before I knew it, 5 weeks had past, and I finished my last treatment. That was a grand total of 25 radiation treatments. Upon returning to school, I found a beautiful vase of roses on my desk, given by my mom, to congratulate me on the end of radiation. The treatments were long and monotonous, but I got through it. Around that time, my hair also started growing back. Horray! I’m pretty sure I told Caley “Look! Look! It’s coming back!” about 3-5 times a day for those first few weeks. Thank you Caley for continuing to acknowledge this momentous occasion for me, although I’m sure it got pretty annoying at times.

Although it has been several months since my last post, my plan is to keep writing about my experience. During my time off, I realized that writing for my blog was actually therapeutic. Of course, my hope is still for it to bring awareness to the experiences breast cancer patients face and hopefully help someone in the process. Because I don’t want my writing to take time away from spending time with my family or doing other things I love, it may be a little shorter, less refined, and more sporadic. Nevertheless, thank you for reading my blog posts and following me on this journey.

Much love,

Kelley

Summer of ’16

Life has been incredibly busy over the last month. I finished radiation a couple weeks ago (more on that later) and I have finally returned to work after 4 long months! Because of this, I have had very little time to sit down and write. But like they say, better late than never. Right?

I’m sure I am not the only one, but I really can’t believe that it is already the end of September. It seemed like we just celebrated Labor Day, and now Halloween decorations are popping up everywhere. Perhaps because it is still 90+ degrees in Southern California, it doesn’t really feel like it is fall. Or, maybe I am just in denial because of how much I love summer. Either way, I know that I need to accept the fact that summer is over.

While the surgery and chemotherapy alone made my summer extremely “memorable,” it was what I did in between treatments that really made this summer special. Although many of the things we did this summer were typical, experiencing them in the midst of fighting cancer put a new spin on them. I learned how a heart of gratitude and get you through your darkest of days and about the importance of valuing each and every day, despite it’s challenges and setbacks. So before I dive into my experiences with radiation, I would like to share some of these moments with you. With that said, here we go…

Because Caley and I are educators, we are so fortunate to have a couple of months off each summer to do pretty much whatever we want together. Because “quality time” is my love language, you can only imagine how much I LOVE spending every day with Caley. Now Caley on the other hand, may feel a little differently about the situation (kidding). However, this year, my “summer” started way back in April when I had my bi-lateral mastectomy. At that time, I did not know what treatments would be required, but I later found out that I would need to take additional time off-work to handle the effects of chemotherapy and radiation. Although I have been off work for approximately 4 months, it has definitely been no “vacation.” As you may remember from previous posts, that first month was HARD. I could hardly move and my weeks were filled with countless doctor’s appointments. While my time at home was spent focusing on my health and mobility, I eventually began regaining the physical strength that I had temporarily lost. Once I was able to pick up Easton and drive again, I felt like I got some of my life back. Fortunately, this was right around the time Caley’s school ended, which meant that it was officially summer for the both of us.

At this point, I had already started my chemo treatments and had been instructed to stay out of the sun and away from large crowds of people. Obviously, this can really put a damper on summer plans. However, we decided that we would still try to do as much as we could, despite my restrictions. In a previous post, I talked about the road trip Caley, Easton, and I took up to northern California to visit my friend Brooke and her husband, Kris. While we were there, Brooke and I began talking about our 30th birthdays and how we wanted to something fun and memorable to celebrate our big 3-0 (Brooke’s birthday is a month after mine). She mentioned that they were thinking about taking a trip to New Orleans to celebrate her birthday because it seemed like such a fun city. Caley and I told them that we have always wanted to go to New Orleans, but the timing was never right. We were either too busy planning a wedding, saving money for a house, or trying to survive life with a newborn. Within seconds of me telling her this, it clicked: We should celebrate our 30th birthdays in New Orleans together! The four of us looked at our calendars and determined that we could probably squeeze in a trip right before I started radiation treatments in August. This was also a great time because I would be almost fully recovered from my final chemo treatment. A few weeks later, I texted Brooke and we made it official. We were going to New Orleans! This time Easton was not invited. I love you little man, but mom and dad need a vacation!

Because New Orleans wouldn’t happen until the first week in August, I still wanted to plan something fun for my actual birthday on July 6th. When I turned 18, I decided that I would make it my goal to celebrate each birthday by trying something new. At that time, I had just graduated high school and was ready to experience life. Since then, my birthday adventures have ranged from crazy things like skydiving to something as simple as shooting a gun. This year, I decided that I wanted to experience a television taping as my “new” thing.  Unfortunately, not many shows tape during the summer, but I did manage to find a few. Of my choices, “Let’s Make a Deal” seemed like it would be the most fun. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show, the studio audience dresses up in funny costumes and are randomly selected to “make a deal” with the host, Wayne Brady. Although Caley and I were not selected to “make a deal,” we still had so much fun! We laughed, we shouted, and we danced our hearts out. Needless to say, we were exhausted by the end of the show. I definitely think that I may have pushed myself a little too far that day because I fell asleep in the car within minutes of leaving the studio. Even though Caley and I were both beyond tired, it was totally worth it.

Each time I finish celebrating my birthday, I always think to myself “I should really make it a point to try new things more often.” There is something about trying new things that really brings a new sense of thrill and enjoyment to life. I will be the first to admit, that sometime the “thrills” of life get lost with the craziness that comes with working full-time while still trying to be a mom and wife. Often times I’m thinking 10 steps ahead so that I don’t fall one step behind. Sound familiar? Now don’t get my wrong, I love my life and I have so many reasons to be thankful. However, this summer I felt as though I was able to finally see so much enjoyment, gratitude, and meaning in the smallest details of my everyday life. And I strongly believe that this was because my pace of life was drastically slowed down by my treatments, and I was now viewing my life through a completely new lens. That lens being through the eyes of a cancer patient.

This became especially clear during the couple trips we managed to squeeze in before/after chemo treatments. As a little kid, going to the river was a summer tradition. I have so many memories of riding on our boat with a squeeze-it in my hand and driving our sea-coo while sitting on my mom’s lap. Before Easton was born, Caley and I always talked about how excited we were for the day that we could take our kids to the river and make our own memories as a family. And now that Easton was here, that time had come. We went to the river several times this summer, and each time was incredibly special. Although most of my time was spent underneath the e-z up to avoid the sun (like the doctor had ordered), my heart was full as I watched the love of my life splash around in the water with the our son like we had always talked about. I even took  Easton out on a short sea-doo ride with him on my lap, just like I did with my mom. In each of these moments, my heart was bursting with gratitude to our Creator for providing me with another opportunity to have these memories with my family. I think when you have a life threatening disease, it is so easy to be angry at God for all of the life experiences and moments that you fear you may never get to see. For me, I don’t know if I will be there for Easton’s high school and college graduation, or for his wedding, or at the hospital when he becomes a parent himself.  But, I do know that God has allowed me to be here now to enjoy Easton’s first few years of life. And for that, I am extremely thankful. While we are human, and it is easy to lose sight of our blessings in the midst of our pain and worry, it is so important to recognize God’s gifts. I know it has made my pain and suffering so much easier to bare, and has actually led me to feel more fulfilled than any other time in my life. I wish it didn’t take cancer for me to finally understand this. But like I said earlier, better late than never, right?

While we are on the topic of recognizing our blessings, I have to give a shout out to my husband Caley. This summer, Caley and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. And I am going to warn you now, this is about to get sappy. I have always said that marrying Caley was THE best decision that I have ever made, and he has never proven me wrong. However, I was reminded of this at our friend’s wedding this past June. During the wedding ceremony I completely lost it as they recited their vows. It instantly brought me back five years ago to that hot July day in Temecula when we too promised to “love and cherish each other, in sickness and in health.” Never in a million years would we have guessed that I would be diagnosed with breast cancer only a few years later. As I sat there crying, I couldn’t help but think about how deep my love and respect was for Caley and how he has continued to make me feel like the most beautiful bride despite my baldness, scars, and other insecurities. There is a saying that goes, “When you get married, you don’t marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being.” By the time we reach our 10 year anniversary, I am sure Caley will have experienced at least 10 different Kelleys as a result of cancer. But Caley is a man of his word and will continue to love and support me through each phase because that is the man I married. Caley always jokes that he “duped” me into marrying him. But I think it is the other way around. Thank you Caley for being the husband that you promised to be five years ago. Just when I think I can’t love you any more than I already do, you help me find a way. Each day with you is a gift, and I love you now and forever.

Ok so I ran out of kleenex, so lets move on to New Orleans.

Although I did not really know what to expect, I was super pumped for New Orleans. Caley and I had always heard that New Orleans was a really cool city, but I don’t think we really knew HOW awesome it would turn out to be. We arrived in New Orleans a day before Brooke and Kris, and spent this time checking out Bourbon Street and some local museums. Bourbon Street was exactly how I had pictured it to be: crowded with drunk people, beads all over the street, and lots of good food and music. We also had the opportunity to ride a street car to WWII museum, which Caley and I deemed as the most amazing museum that we had ever seen. Once Brooke and Kris arrived, we began our quest for the best food in town. Thanks to their foodie knowledge, we dined at some of the best places in the French Quarter and of course had some beignets from the famous Cafe Dumode. We also went to Frenchmen Street where we listened to a brass band play all night while sitting up on one of those beautiful Spanish balconies. We also took a city tour, visited an old cemetery, and rode on airboats through the Louisiana bayou. And of course, we spent each night at a bar with live music, yummy drinks, and dancing. While I had to be mindful of my physical limitations, I still felt like I really got to experience the life of the city.

WWII Museum

Cheers to 30 years

My partner in crime

Air boating on the bayou

Mint Juleps!

Bourbon Street

Although I don’t really have a “bucket list,” I’m so glad that I can say that I have experienced New Orleans. There we so many times during the trip where I just stopped and thought, “Wow, thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to do this.” While the trip reminded me that there are a lot of things that cancer may prevent me from doing in the future, it also reminded me of the importance of recognizing and appreciating the things that I DO get experience. Being grateful in those moments have definitely helped me keep some of my sanity. It has reduced much of the worry and anxiety that comes with the uncertainty of having cancer. Of course, I still have pity parties now and then, but they are short and are usually interrupted by a little blonde-haired boy who tells me that he wants his “ba-ba.” And as I grab that “ba-ba” off the counter, I am reminded that I have so much to be thankful for. Pity party over.

Although I tried, I don’t know if I can fully explain how cancer has changed my perspective on life. If you have been in my shoes, you probably know what I am talking about. A few months ago, I heard a breast cancer survivor describe surviving cancer as getting pushed to the edge of cliff and as you are falling forward, you suddenly get yanked back. And from that moment forward, you realize how desperately in love you are with life. And right now, that is exactly how I feel: I am desperately in love with my life.

Despite whether you are currently battling cancer, are in remission, or are perfectly healthy, I hope that you too have come to recognize how beautiful your life is despite its challenges. When you wake up each morning, I hope that you realize that you have just been given an amazing gift: the gift of life. And as you go about your busy day, don’t forget to stop an acknowledge those special moments that are often missed during our hurry. And as you recognize those moments, make sure you give God a little shout-out for His greatness and for the blessings that he has put in your life.

And together we’ll say, “Thank you Lord for this day”…

Amen.

 

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Chemo: The Last Treatment

July 15, 2016

For the first time ever, I woke up extremely excited about chemo. I had been waiting for this day for so long, and couldn’t believe that it was finally here. Although I was ready to put chemo behind me, I was still nervous about my last treatment. As you may remember, my previous chemo treatment took a total of 7 1/2 hours because I had multiple allergic reactions to my chemo drug (Taxotere). If the allergic reactions weren’t bad enough, I was also pumped full of other drugs and steroids to combat the reactions.  When I left my 3rd chemo treatment, my body felt like a walking pharmacy. You name a drug, I had it. And, I really didn’t want to go through that again.

My meds “checklist”

Around noon, we checked in to the oncology office with our usual gear and found a seat in the waiting room. The office staff informed me that they were running behind and that they would bring me in as soon as a chair became available. Because of how long my last treatment took, Caley and I were worried that we would be there all night. After waiting for an hour, the nurse finally called us into the chemo center. As soon as I gave the nurse a run-down of my last treatment, she quickly got things started. Like last time, I was given anti-nausea medicine, benedryl, and an additional drug to coat my stomach before starting the chemo drugs. I also asked the nurse to put me on a slower drip than last time to hopefully prevent another allergic reaction. And with that, I began my last treatment.

Chemo is hard work.

The chemo machine.

This is what bald looks like 🙂

My Taxotere drip.

Despite the drugs, steroids, and slower drip, I found myself surrounded by three nurses just seconds later. Yep, my body officially HATES Taxotere. So much in fact, that when the slightest amount of Taxotere creeps into my system, my body goes on high alert and says “Nope! Not Happening!” Because we caught the allergic reaction so quickly, the nurse and I decided to skip the steroid and just try again on an even slower drip. Due to our time crunch, the nurse slowly sped up the drip every 30 minutes. Each time she increased the drip, I sat there just waiting for another allergic reaction to happen. This time I was fine. However, as Caley and I had anticipated, I was the last patient in the chemo room and was there way past closing. I apologized to the nurse, but she reassured me that it was just fine. As I got off of my chair, she congratulated me for officially finishing chemo and pulled me in for a big hug. Wooohooo! I was DONE.

My cheerleader celebrating my victory! He even wore an “Angels” shirt in my honor even though he loves the Dodgers. We are a house divided.

As we exited the chemo center doors, Caley patted me on the back and said “You did, it. It’s over.” At that moment, a huge wave of emotion came over me and I completely lost it in the hallway. I didn’t anticipate the overwhelming emotions that I would feel once it was officially over. Although I am not a runner, I imagine it is like the feeling that a runner experiences after crossing the finish line of an extremely difficult race. The type of race where you wanted to give up several times, but kept moving forward. The type of race where your body was absolutely exhausted, but you found the strength to take that next step. The type of race where you questioned your ability to finish, but continually silenced that debilitating voice. And finally, the type of race where you feel biggest sense of relief, gratefulness, and pride upon finishing. Yes, you’re right Caley: I DID IT. WE DID IT.

Although chemo was over, my body felt the aftermath of the “race” for the next several days. I had a significant amount of nausea (but no vommiting), lots of aches and pains, and really bad mucositis (mouth, throat, and digestive track sores/ulcers). I have to admit, this final treatment hit me HARD. However, it was reassuring to know that the pain would soon end, and I would be finally finished with all of it.  Each day, I reminded myself to just get through today and hope for a better tomorrow. About a week later, that “ better tomorrow” came, and I started feeling back to my normal self. It wasn’t until my last symptoms subsided that I felt like chemo was finally “over.”

Perhaps one of my most exciting days was giving my last immunity injection. Because chemo also kills white blood cells (the ones that fight off colds/infections), chemo patients are at a higher risk of getting sick and/or getting a life-threatening infection. To help prevent infection, patients are required to give five days of self-injections, starting two days after each chemo treatment to help stimulate white blood cells production. Prior to my first chemo treatment, a nurse showed me how to give my own injection into the four quadrants of my stomach. The injections themselves are not too painful, but it process of administering the injection is just unpleasant. I just hated pressing the needle against my stomach and watching it puncture my skin. EEK! And although I used new needles after every chemo, I swore that the each injection set came with duller needles than the ones before. Needless to say, the end of these injections was a VERY HAPPY day for me.

Another thing that I was excited about was to finally stop worrying about germs. Obviously, an infection or cold is the last thing that you want during chemo, especially when your body has no way to fight back. Once chemo started, I definitely went full fledge GERMAPHOBE. After buying hand soap for every sink in our house, I must have washed my hands at least 30 times a day. Of course, that was in addition the hand sanitizer in my purse that I used when I was out in public (babyganics has a great hypoallergenic hand sanitizer). I also sprayed Lysol around our entire house twice a day and had Caley bathe Easton as soon as he got home from daycare each day and/or any time he was around other kids. My nurse had also recommended that I refrain from hugging/kissing others and staying away from anyone who is sick.  Although it was a hassle, it was worth it because I stayed healthy the entire time. Obviously, I may not have needed to go to such extreme lengths to avoid getting sick, but I would definitely recommend that anyone going through chemo remain mindful of their weakened immune system. You definitely need all of your energy to get through chemo, so take good care of yourself!

For those of you who are about to begin chemo, here are a few other things that I would highly recommend getting/doing before you begin treatments. Also, if you know anyone who is about to go through chemo, these items could help make a great care package. WINK. WINK.

•  Biotine Toothpaste & Mouthwash

This was a LIFESAVER for me. I was given these as a gift from my husband’s coworker who went through chemo a few years ago. This toothpaste and mouthwash was very gentle on my mouth, especially when I started developing mouth sores. Regular toothpaste made everything sting. If you get one thing, get this!

• Sally Hansen Cuticle OilAny cuticle/nail strengthening oil will suffice. I used this every night on my fingernails and toenails to help keep them moist. Chemo can dry out everything on your body and cause your fingernails/toenails to fall off. I still have all my nails, and I really think that this helped. When I would forget to use it, I could definitely feel a difference. I was also given this by a former chemo-patient.

•  Aveeno Body Lotion

Any good hypoallergenic lotion would work. Like I mentioned before, chemo really dries everything up so keeping your skin hydrated helps prevent irritation. I used this everyday on my entire body as soon as I got out of the shower, and I never had any skin issues. In addition to the lotion, I used hypoallergenic body wash (Dove: Sensitive skin body wash) and make-up removing wipes (Simple: Micellaires Make-up Removing wipes). My skin was actually better during chemo, than any other time in my life. Go figure.

• Alterna Bamboo Smooth Kendi Oil

Yep, your bald head needs some love too. It will most likely need to be oiled every other day. Some may prefer using lotion, but I used the same oil that I used to oil my human-hair wigs. I’ve even heard of people using coconut or olive oil. It’s totally up to you. During chemo, your head will stop producing its natural oils and your scalp can become dry, flaky, and itchy. And, that’s no fun.

• Eating Well Through Cancer by Holly Clegg & Gerald Miletello,MD

You may remember me mentioning this book in an earlier post. I did not end up using very many recipes from the book, but it had great information on how certain foods can alleviate common chemo side effects. It was very helpful, and I would definitely recommend it!

• Sign up for a “Look Good, Feel Better” class in your area

The American Cancer Society offers a free “Look Good, Feel Better” beauty class that gives tips on how to look your best despite (potentially) losing your hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, fingernails, ect. They even give you a bag full of great beauty products from companies like Dior, Bobbie Brown, Smashbox, MAC, Estee Lauder, Mary Kay, and Neutrogena. I found that putting on make-up and wearing my wig every once in a while really did improve my mood. So if you have the energy, try it!

Of course, please remember that the side effects that I experienced were specific to the chemo drugs Taxotere and Cytoxen. Chemo is going to affect everyone differently, so please keep this in mind as you plan and prepare for treatment. As always, I would encourage you to ask you doctor plenty of questions and do your own research regarding what may be the best products for you to use during treatment.

To sum up my chemo experience, I would say that it was tough, but doable. Although my treatments and cycles became increasingly difficult, I got through it. And you know what? You will too. Remind yourself every day that you are stronger than your cancer, even in your weakest moments. This is important because battling cancer requires not only physical stamina, but also mental strength. Keep yourself in good spirits by celebrating little victories and do something fun after each treatment. If you can, try to bring a “cheerleader” to your chemo appointments. I was so grateful to have Caley by my side each time, even if he may have fallen asleep a couple times. Friends and family, if you can be that “cheerleader” for someone, please be it. If work or some other obligation prevents you from going to treatments, you can also support them by running errands for them or taking them to the grocery store (if their energy is low from chemo). For me, it was just nice to get out of the house. Going out to lunch or to a movie were “treats,” and I really enjoyed the time away from our couch. I also felt so loved and supported by all the texts and calls I received after each treatment. It was comforting knowing that there were so many people praying for me and that I had an army of “cheerleaders” outside of the chemo center. A special thank you to my family and friends (and even some strangers) who have really gone out of their way to support me during this time. My heart is forever grateful. And with that said, I am on to radiation….

Chemo: Round 2 & 3

 

Approximately 3 weeks after my first chemo treatment, I woke up to little hairs all over my pillow. The time had finally come: my hair was falling out.

When my hair began to fall out, it definitely was not a surprise. I had read that many women begin losing their hair 12-14 days after their first treatment, so I knew it was coming. My scalp had also recently become really sensitive, tight, and itchy, which is typical before chemo hair loss. Over the next several days, the shedding became worse. Each time that I took a shower, I found my hands covered in hair and more of my short hairs clogging the drain. My hair was all over the place: the furniture, the floor, the car, everywhere. I couldn’t escape it. To make matters worse,  my fallen hairs also liked to collect around the collar of my tops, making me look like mountain man who’s body hair was trying to escape out of his shirt. Cute, right?. After about a week of generous efforts by friends and family to swipe away the hair collecting on the back of my shirts, I decided that I really needed to do something about the rest of my hair. During this time, I was especially thankful that I had cut my long hair before this process began. It is an incredibly messy process, and long hair would have made everything look so much worse. Although it is a very personal decision, I would highly recommend it to anyone who is about to go through a similar experience.

A few days after my 2nd treatment, I was in out backyard shaking off the hairs from my pillowcase when I decided that I had enough.  I needed to shave my head. At that time, all we really had on hand was Caley’s beard trimmer. We knew it probably wasn’t the most appropriate tool, but I was SO over it and just wanted it done. I told Caley  that I would try to brush out as much hair as I could beforehand so we wouldn’t clog the trimmers. As I began combing through my hair, massive clumps started coming out. Because of the amount of hair that was falling out, I told Caley that I thought I might not even need the trimmers. And I was right. After about 45 minutes of combing, I was almost completely bald.

I asked Caley to shave the remaining hairs with the trimmer, but as he began shaving, it felt like little needles were stabbing me in the back of the head. Because I was afraid that the pain from my stubble moving against my pillow at night would make it impossible to sleep, I asked Caley to stop. Since I had very little hair left, decided that I would just let my remaining hair fall out naturally. For the next several weeks, I affectionately referred the remaining hairs as, “the few, the proud, the brave.” I was also relieved to find that Easton really didn’t care that his Momma was bald. I still received plenty of hugs, kisses, and cuddles. OOH I JUST LOVE THAT LITTLE MAN!

That evening, I washed my bald head for the first time. Because my scalp had become so dry and flaky over the last couple of weeks, I knew it needed a good scrub. I thought that using Easton’s hypoallergenic baby wash would be the perfect solution for my extremely sensitive scalp.  Since I was used to shampoo-ing long hear, I poured way too much soap into my hand and began to lather. As I was washing my bald head, I looked down at the four surgical scars on my chest and thought to myself “how did I get here?” I am only 29, I have cancer, I’m bald from chemo, and I’ve had a bi-lateral mastectomy. Am I really going to make it?

It was maybe two seconds later before I noticed the scent of Easton’s baby wash fill the shower. Now the scent itself is nothing special, but what is special, is what that scent reminded me of: my little boy. Just as I was beginning to think about all of the things that I cancer has taken from me, I was instantly reminded of everything that I was fighting to keep: my family. I would trade-in every part of my body and be in pain every day just to have a life with Easton and Caley. I love them so much, and they are the reason why I am going to fight this thing as hard as I can.

As I continued my treatment, I continued to wear my “uniform” to each session. Before I started chemo, I read a blog about a women who decided that she was going to wear a “chemo uniform” to her treatments. The thought behind the uniform is that you are getting dressed to go to “work.” Because after all, that is what you are doing during each treatment. You are WORKING to survive. I liked this idea, so I created my own “uniform” of things that were special to me and would remind me of what I am “working” for during my treatments. My uniform consisted of:

1. A hat
2. My “keep calm and fight on” breast cancer shirt given to my by Caley’s co-workers
3. My “mom” bracelet that Caley and Easton gave me for mother’s day this year
4. My “team Kelley” bracelet from my surgery
5. My giving key “Breathe” necklace that I received from my best friend, Brooke.

Enjoying my “private” room during my second treatment. Normally, patients are separated by a curtain.

Although my first chemo treatment was as just as easy as sitting there, I definitely “worked” during my next two treatments. The process for checking into the chemo center, meeting my nurse, and getting the iv started was all the same as the first treatment. However, during my second treatment, I found out that I was in fact, allergic to my chemo drug Taxotere. I started having a reaction a little while after the nurse started the Taxotere. I began feeling light-headed, became short of breath, and got REALLY hot. I told Caley that I wasn’t feeling well, and he looked at me and told me that my chest and face were red. I looked down, and could see my arms turning red as well. Caley called for the nurse, and they quickly turned off the drip. They gave me a steroid to combat the reaction, and I was back to normal in within 15 minutes. From what I was told, it is not uncommon for an allergic reaction to happen during the second treatment. With each treatment, more and more of the drug accumulates in your body, increasing your sensitivity to the drug. However, my oncologist did give the “go ahead” to continue with the Taoxtere. Just at a slower drip. Caley did his version of “yoga” to pass help pass the time.

When I first learned that my chemo treatments would take place during summer, I had mixed emotions. I was partially relieved because it meant that I would not be missing a ton of work since school is not in session (I am high school counselor). However, I also felt disappointed because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to do anything fun with Caley (who is also off for summer) and Easton. No one really knows how chemo is going to affect them, and like I said before, it is really going to be different for everyone. But getting through that first treatment really gave me hope that chemo was not going to hold me back this summer. I told Caley that as long as we planned around my “bad weeks,” we may be able to squeeze in a small trip here or there. And that is exactly what we did.

Based on how I felt after my first chemo treatment, I knew that I would probably be feeling my best about a week before my 3rd treatment. We had already tentatively planned a trip a few months earlier for 3-days in Sonoma, but I really wanted to make the most of my “good” week. We decided that we would try spending a few days in San Francisco with my best friend, Brooke, and her husband Kris before heading farther north. They moved there about a year ago for Kris’ job and are now living the “city” life in a super cute apartment that is within walking distance of the Golden Gate Bridge. Seeing her is exactly what I needed. We had so much fun spending time with them, and Caley and I got to see and experience a lot of really cool things. And yes, Easton came too. But he was too busy playing with Brooke and Kris’ puppy (Scout) for 3 days to really care about anything else. Needless to say, they became instant friends.

 

Golden Gate Bridge

Palace of Fine Arts

Armstrong Redwoods State Natural Reserve

Community Market- Sebastopol

Florence Ave- Sebastopol

Clos Du Bois Winery

Russian River Brewery

Hi Caley!

Once we got back from Sonoma and San Francisco, it was time for my third treatment. Unfortunately, during this treatment, I had another allergic reaction. This one came quicker and stronger than the first. However, this time I could tell that it was starting, so the nurse was able to turn off the drip before it got really bad. This happened twice. Each time I had a reaction, they give me a steroid, and I was required to wait 30 minutes before starting the Taxotere again. Because of all of the starting, stoping, and waiting, this treatment took 7 1/2 hours. It was such a long day, and we were both SO glad when it was over. For the next several days, I just kept telling myself: Just 1 more treatment.

The beginning stages of “chemo burn” from the iv. It got much worse.

As you can tell, the last two of months have been very eventful. Coming to terms with my baldness was definitely a major step toward accepting my current life situation. Little things, like Easton’s baby wash, has continued to remind me each day of why my scars, aches, and pains are all worth it. It is not just the physical pain from treatments (surgery, chemo, radiation, ect ) that makes cancer tough, but it is the emotional toll it takes on you when you begin to realize how close you are to losing the things that matter to you most. Perhaps the hardest part, is knowing that that your will to fight won’t necessarily guarantee your survival. For those of you who have lost someone close to you from cancer, please know that they fought.  They fought hard, because they loved you. As a mother, wife, and daughter, I am certain of this. If my body does finally succumb to cancer, my biggest gift to Easton and Caley will be having done everything in my power to make it. The effort is everything.

For those of you who are still fighting, keep fighting, because there is SO MUCH hope. There are so many who have survived cancer, and there is great hope that you and I will be among that number. Perhaps one of the greatest pieces of advice that I received from a breast cancer survivor (in regards to chemo) was to allow yourself to rest on the days that you feel your worst. For me, my 2nd and 3rd treatments gradually became more difficult. It was the first time that I felt like I had cancer (physically). And that was hard. She also told me that allowing your body to rest does not mean that you are “giving into” the cancer. You are just giving your body the rest it needs to recover from the intensity of the treatments. I am a go-go-go type of girl, so this really hit home for me. Just because I have to veg out on the couch for a few days after my treatments does not make me weak. It is smart and necessary for my overall health. On the flip side, those little trips and outings with Caley and Easton have been crucial to keeping my positive outlook. If you are feeling up for it, take a trip somewhere. Seeing a new places or just spending time with the people you love, “resets” your mind. If chemo is keeping you in bed, that is perfectly fine too. Give you body the rest it needs and remember that the pain is temporary. It does not mean you are weak, it means that you are being smart. Take good care of yourself now and your body will eventually catch up. Until then, continue to fight as hard as you can.

You are stronger than you think.

 

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Chemo begins.

 

For many people, Friday the 13th would not be the ideal date to begin chemo. Perhaps that is why there were several chemo appointments available that day. Either way, I knew that my oncologist really wanted me to start chemo asap, especially since it had already been 5 weeks since my bi-lateral mastectomy.  Plus, I am not a superstitious person so the date really did not bother me. However, the thought of starting this long and daunting process called “chemo” did bother me. It actually bothered me A LOT.

Although I somewhat knew what to “expect,” I was still really nervous about starting chemo. Days before my first treatment date, I attended a one-on-one meeting with an oncology nurse at Kaiser Bellflower, who gave me information regarding the chemo process.  She reviewed what to expect the day of chemo, potential side effects, how to treat certain symptoms, and who to contact with concerns. During this meeting, she also gave me a tour of the chemo center where I would be getting my treatments. It was nice to have the opportunity to gain a visual of what I would be experiencing in just a few short days. However, walking through the chemo center and seeing others receiving their treatments was hard to internalize. I was the youngest patient in the room by at least 20 years, and it quickly reminded me that I was 29 years old, and fighting for my life.

Eating Well Through Cancer 

The day before chemo, I did my best to prepare myself for my first treatment. I pulled out a book called “Eating Through Cancer” which I received from someone at my mother-in-law’s church. I was really excited to receive this book because it is filled with tips and tricks for preventing and alleviating common side effects of chemo through food. Plus, I love cooking and trying new recipes so this book was right up my alley. The oncology nurse that I met with for my one-on-one meeting had also recommended this book. She actually  tried to “sneak” me a copy she had in her office even though it was not technically a Kaiser “approved” resource. For this reason, I assumed this book was a must-have.

Chicken Noodle and Barley Soup

After scanning through the book, I decided that my staple meal for the next couple of days was going to be a Chicken Noodle and Barley Soup. I also picked up some fresh ginger (for nausea), yogurt (for mouth & throat sores), and some nuts and seeds for protein (just in case I had an aversion to meat). I also continued to drink an obscene amount of water to stay hydrated. I had read that chemo can really clog you up so eating lots of fiber and drinking water is a must. Also because of how horrible I felt after my surgery from not eating and drinking enough, I was determined to not let that happen again. So as you can see, I was very serious about this food thing.

My oncologist also gave me a couple other pointers regarding my diet. He told me that I would need to stop taking any supplements and/or vitamins because they could interfere with chemo drugs. He also recommended that I cut out as much processed sugar as possible, which was heartbreaking for me because I have a serious sweet tooth. I was also instructed to eat lots of vegetables and leafy greens, which isn’t too difficult because Caley and I are almost vegetarian to begin with. BUT THEN, came the most disappointing recommendation: eliminating alcohol. NOOOOO!!!!

If you know Caley and I, we love our beer.  In fact, we have a refrigerator in our garage with two taps that are always filled with Caley’s home brew or a keg from a local brewery (we have family and friends who are brewers). Needless to say, good beer runs in our social circle. So when we hang out, we like to share a good bottle and talk about life and of course, flavor profiles. Plus, between pregnancy and nursing, I had just gone almost two years without being able to participate in our friends’ “bottle shares,” so the thought of having to wait even longer was a huge bummer. But, of course, making sure that I am strong and healthy is FAR more important. So I apologize, I just needed a minute vent. Enough about beer.

In preparation for chemo, I also began my steroid medication which consisted of two pills the morning & night before chemo, the morning & night of chemo, and the morning after chemo. The steroid pills are meant to build up my system to hopefully reduce some of the negative side effects of chemo. The only problem is that the steroids can also keep you awake through the night. The night before my first treatment, I probably slept a total of 3-4 hours. Now that I am further along in my treatment and have taken several rounds of my steroid drugs, I realized that my lack of sleep was due to nerves, not the steroids. Needless to say, I woke up exhausted. It is definitely not how you want to feel going into your first round of chemo.

May 13th.

The morning of chemo, I followed my book’s advice and had a light, carb filled breakfast that included oatmeal with bananas, and a couple pieces of whole wheat toast. Caley and I also packed a bag with lunch which included peanut butter sandwiches, apples, and yogurt. The nurse had advised against bringing hot and strong smelling foods into the chemo center because it could make other patients nauseated. Now, that I have experienced how chemo can really alter your sense of smell, I am so appreciative that the nurse gives this recommendation to new patients. As of right now, I could probably out-sniff a bloodhound. My sense of smell is THAT intense.

For the treatment, Caley and I also packed our iPad, an art-therapy coloring book, sudoku, and some magazines. I was told that the first treatment usually takes the longest because the drip is slower and there is a lot of starting and stopping to check for allergic reactions.  Because of this, we just mentally prepared ourselves to be there all day. I also told Caley that he may want to bring one of our “river chairs” to sit in because the visitor chair did not look very comfortable. Especially, if he was going to be sitting in it for 5 + hours. After we had everything packed and Caley’s mom picked Easton up, we were off to my appointment.

My cheerleader.

After we checked into the oncology office, I was given a wristband and called into the chemo center about 20 minutes later. Upon walking into the chemo center, a nurse took my vitals and assigned me to a chair. We set up our things and got situated before my nurse was ready to insert the IV. Because my treatments were going to be every 3 weeks and my veins would have time to recover in-between each treatment, the nurse told me that I probably would not need a PICC line. Chemo drugs are really tough on the body, so patients sometimes run the risk of a collapsed vein. PICC lines are supposed to help this, and are a thin, hollow tube that is inserted above the bend of your elbow and pushed through to a larger vein in your chest. OUCH, right? Needless to say, I was SO happy to hear that I wouldn’t need one of these.

I also let the nurse know that all of my treatments would need to be in my left arm/hand. Because I had lymph nodes removed during my surgery, I am now at risk for lymphedema (permanent arm swelling). This means that I can no longer have needles inserted or blood pressure taken on my right arm. So my left arm is now and will forever be my designated “needle arm.” But, I will talk more about lymphedema in a later post.

After inserting the IV, the nurse gave me a Zofran (to prevent nausea), and then I was required to wait 30 minutes before starting my treatment. Once 30 minutes had passed, the nurse started me on the first chemo drug (Taxotere).  After 15 minutes and showing no signs of an allergic reaction, the nurse increased the speed of the drip. I think that the Taxotere took about 1-1 1/2 hours total.

Coloring page from my art therapy book. I received this as a gift from my substitute counselor.

Once it was finished, the nurse started the second chemo drug (Cytoxan). While I didn’t feel any difference while the Taxotere was administered, I definitely felt the Cytoxan. My sinuses burned and my nose started to leak like crazy. The nurse reassured me that this was very common. Before I knew it, my second chemo drug was finished. I think that the Cytoxen took approximately 30-45 minutes. After the chemo drugs were finished, I waited an additional 15 minutes for the lines to be flushed. My whole chemo treatment took approximately 5 hours. And surprisingly, the time flew by.

Immediately following the chemo treatment, I felt pretty normal. That evening, I took it easy, drank lots of water, and ate my Chicken Noddle and Barely Soup. I woke up the next morning still feeling good, and was even able to go about my routine activities. It was not until a day or two later that I began to feel my first chemo symptoms: mouth, throat, and other sores. However, they were not too severe. I referred back to my “Eating Through Chemo” book and made sure that I avoided the foods that would make these symptoms worse. I also noticed a slight decrease in my energy, but that only last a day or two. By week two, I felt completely back to normal. I actually began to believe that maybe this chemo thing was going to be easier than I thought.

When I went to my next oncology appointment, I told my doctor that I was surprised at how great I felt. He replied, “Well, of course. You are young.” I think that this was the first time, that I actually felt a sense of gratefulness for my situation. By “situation,” I do not mean for the cancer itself, but for having a young, and otherwise strong and healthy body to tolerate the side effects of my cancer treatments (surgery, chemo, ect.) Although I continued to feel well, I knew that I still had a long road ahead of me.

Looking back, I realize that my initial anxiety about starting chemo was pointless. And it was not pointless because things went smoothly, it was pointless because worry does not change a thing. It does not change circumstance, it does not change outcomes, and it definitely does not reverse cancer. What worry does do, is slowly wear you down. It cripples your ability to enjoy the present, diminishes hope, and instills fear. Of course, overcoming fear and worry is easier said than done. Afterall, we are human.

This last Sunday, one of the pastors at our church briefly talked about getting through the “storms of life.” During his sermon, he referred to Mark 4:35-41, which goes a little like this:

Jesus calms the storm:

35 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” 36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. 37 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

40 He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

41 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

—————————-

Every person will face several “storms” in their life. Some will be light, short, and quick. Others will be treacherous, long, and difficult. During the rougher storms, you may feel like a boat ready to sink. But like all storms, it will pass. Although each waves that hits your boat may be extremely difficult, the waves will eventually calm.

Although cancer is more like a level 5 hurricane, my current ‘storm’ is chemo. My predicted forecast isn’t much better: two more ‘storms’ to follow (radiation and hormone therapy for 5-10 years).  My hope and encouragement for anyone about to go through a similar experience is that your storm will not be as difficult as you had predicted. Chemo is no walk in the park, but it is doable. Depending on your age, type of chemo drugs, and overall health, it can knock you down real hard. Do your best to stay physically strong during the process. Eat right, drink water, and take some short walks. Keep your mind strong by continuing doing things that you love, spending time with those you love, and catching yourself when you start letting worry lead the way.

Let tomorrow worry about itself because you have too much to live for today.

 

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Snip. Snip.

Once I finally accepted that I would lose my hair, I realized that I needed to figure out what I was going to do regarding a wig. To be honest, I didn’t know the first thing about wigs. I had never worn one, and I didn’t know anyone who had experience with wigs. Naturally, I went to my good friend, the Internet.

After spending countless hours researching wigs, I still felt pretty confused. To my surprise, the world of wigs is quite large. There are many different types (human hair, synthetic, monofilament, lace, ect), and and certain wigs can do things that others cannot. After reading and watching countless youtube videos, I was pretty sure that I wanted to get a 100% virgin human hair wig. Because these wigs are real human hair, I would be able to cut, color, and style the hair as if it was my own. Plus, they look completely natural. The only downside is that they cost thousands. Yes, I said THOUSANDS.

Being the penny pincher that I am, the idea of spending thousands on a silly wig was really difficult for me to digest. However, I eventually realized that this was not just a ‘silly’ wig, it was a wig that was going to give me back something I missed and longed for…normalcy. Plus, I was really concerned about my students once I returned to work. As of now, many of my students know that I have been out because I had surgery, but they don’t know that it is because I have cancer. As a high school guidance counselor, my focus is always on my students and I really want my office to be a safe and caring place for my students to cry, vent, and share their frustrations. Because of this, the last thing I want is for the attention to be on me. I’m sure they will have questions when I return, and I am not afraid to tell them the truth. However, I don’t want a change in my physical appearance to distract them or shift the focus to me. It has, and will always be, completely about them. That’s why I love what I do. And, is another reason why I feel like the human hair wig is the best decision for me and will make both my students and office feel as thought nothing has changed once I return.

The next challenge I faced was finding where I was going to get my wig. While researching wigs, many of the blogs that I read highly encouraged women to always try on their wigs before purchasing. Because I always like to feel 100% confident in my decisions, I thought that this made complete sense. My husband and I have always joked that I have to “date” ideas and things for a while before committing. This is why I have clothes that sit in my closet with tags for weeks until I decide if I really want to keep the or not. Most of the time, I end up returning them. Although my husband and I dated for 3 1/2 years before getting married, in knew he was the “one” after only a matter of months. At that point I had no intentions of returning him. And of course, he is still the best “purchase” I’ve ever made. He encouraged me to spend the extra money for the human hair wig so that I would feel my best, despite the circumstances. I was glad to have his support, however, the thought of spending the money was still quite difficult.

Based upon the advice I received through the blogs, I searched my area for custom wig shops. I found a highly rated wig shop in Newport Beach called Wig Therapy that works with several chemo and alepacia clients. I made an appointment for the following week. Although the I did not really know what to expect, I was really excited to be able to get my questions answered and learn more about this whole wig thing.

During my appointment I met with the owner and she told me that I had a few different options for a 100% virgin human hair wig. She said I could try on some pre-made ones that were on her shelf or select donated hair to be made into a custom wig. Trying on some of the pre-made wigs was actually a lot of fun. I even got to see what I look like with blonde hair.

Blonde wig. Just for fun.

However, I didn’t not really care for hair texture of the pre-made wigs, so I asked to see some of the donated hair that I could have made into a custom wig. She pulled out several pony tails, and I eventually found one which was long, very close to my natural hair color, and was very soft.

Winner. Winner.

Unfortunately, this wig would take about 6-8 weeks to get completed. Because I still wan’t sure if I wanted to commit to a wig that cost thousands of dollars without trying on other synthetic wigs first, I asked if she could keep my preferred pony tail aside for a week before I made my final decision. And I was happy to find that she was more than happy to do so.

She also mentioned that she could also make me “halo” wig which was a partial wig made out of my own hair. In order to do this, she would need to cut my hair about a 1-2 inches short and sow into a fabric cap. The only drawback would be that I would have to wear it with a hat. But, it would only take approximately 5 days to make. Because I knew that I would be losing my hair about 12-14 days after my first chemo treatment, I thought that this would be a great option to hold me over while I waited for my “good” wig to be made. My hair was going to fall out anyways, so why not do something with it?

During that next week, I went to several different wig shops to try on synthetic wigs. I found that my biggest challenge was finding a wig that didn’t look matronly.
I soon realized that wig companies are not necessarily catering to the 20-30 year old population, and I knew that finding a wig was going to be tough. After visiting many wig shops, I could not find any wigs that I liked. I also read that long-haired synthetic wigs often fray easier, have to be replaced approximately every 6 months, and most can not tolerate heated styling tools. For these reasons, I decided that the human hair wig really did provide me with the long-term solution and styling options that I was looking for in a wig. However, I was pleased to find that the American Caner Society provides one free synthetic wig to cancer patients. I went into my local chapter and was able to find one that looked decent with a hat. The wig’s name was “Missy.” Yes, wigs have names.

His face says it all.

A friend of my mom’s friends, who has alepacia, also let me borrow one of her unused wigs to see what it felt like to wear a higher-quality synthetic wig. Her wig was a monofilament wig, which made the synthetic hairs look like were coming directly out of my head. Although I liked the wig much better than the one I received from the American Cancer Society, I still liked the look of the human hair wig. Plus, the human hair wig could last me 4-5 years if I ever had to go through this experience again. Later that week, I contacted the custom wig shop and let her know that I would like to go ahead and have the custom wig made with the hair that I had selected, and cut my hair to be made into a halo wig. In the meantime, I enjoyed my last few days with long hair. We went to Palms Springs for Mother’s Day weekend and even gave Easton his first hair cut. I told him we would be twins. Needless to say, his first hair cut was a challenge.

Mother’s Day.

First Hair Cut.

May 12th.

The day to cut my hair was finally here, and I was nervous to say the least. From other blogs I had read, many described watching their long hair fall out after chemo was a very messy, physically painful, and traumatizing process. For this reason, I knew that cutting my hair short before the “falling out process” began would make things easier for me in  the long run. One of my good friends also told me about her mother cutting her hair prior to chemo because it made her feel in control. As in, she was taking her hair, not the cancer. I really liked this idea and felt empowered by this thought. I knew that when it came time to take the first snip, I wanted to be the one to cut the first pony-tail, followed by Caley snipping one or two.

To begin the cutting process for the halo, the owner separated my hair into several tiny ponytails. Once they were all divided, the owner handed me the scissors and let me go at it. After cutting a couple, I gave Caley the scissors and he cut a few. The owner finished the rest, and before I knew it, my hair was completely short. She left a few longer hairs in the front to give the appearance of bangs since those hairs were too short to use in the halo. Seeing myself with short hair was definitely not as traumatizing as I had previously thought, but it was reassuring to know that I would be getting the comfort of my long hair back in just a few days.

The last pre-hair cut picture.

The first snip.

Caley having a little too much fun.

Finishing it off.

Post-hair cut dinner

Halo + Hat

And exactly five days later, I received my halo. At first, it was definitely weird seeing my hair, especially because it was not attached to my head. However, as soon as I tried on the halo, it seemed like I was reunited with an old friend. I was relieved to find that with a hat, I looked just like my old self. Because the hair was attached to the outside of the cap, it made it difficult to find hats that fit the new circumference of my head. But, I did find a few. I am very happy with my decision to get the halo, and would be something I totally recommend to other women with long hair who want a temporary option. I know that wearing both my halo and hat will eventually get too hot this summer, so just wearing light head wraps around the house and my “good” wig when I go out will be my best option for staying cool.

Of course, I felt like it was only appropriate to give my halo a name.  Because I already had “Missy” I wanted to keep the “M” theme. Just recently, I visited my best friend up in San Francisco who still calls me by my college nickname, “Mendie” (my maiden name was Mendez). At that point, it clicked. I was going to nickname my halo “Mendie.” I felt like it made sense since my halo hair had once literally been a part of me. Gotta keep things fun, right?

Overall, I felt as though my hair cutting experience was a small way for me to take control despite my very uncertain circumstances. It also allowed me to finally say goodbye to the “old” Kelley, and hello to the “new” Kelley, who is constantly be changed and shaped (mentally, emotionally, and physically) through my experiences with cancer. The good news is, my hair will eventually grow back. But what I will not get back, is the the old Kelley. Cancer definitely changes your perspective and outlook on life. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. However, with God’s help, you can help determine the course of your outlook. Cancer in no way is a “gift,” but there are definitely lessons than can be learned through experiencing this horrible disease. Positive ones. Like learning how to focus on the importance of relationships over “things.” Like learning to appreciate and live every day like it is your last. And finally, understanding that living a “full” life isn’t about the number of days you live, but how you make each day count. That is my hope for you and anyone who is facing less than ideal circumstances: Make each day count and remain grateful for the life you have been given, no matter how challenging it may seem at times.

On a separate note, my aunt Deanna was nice enough to create a GoFundMe page to help raise money for my wig and other medical expenses. Please do not feel obligated, but if you would like to contribute, you can visit the page at:

https://www.gofundme.com/24h6jtb8

Thank you for all of your love and support!

Get ready to lose your hair.

 

The day after I had my drains removed, I went in to the doctors office to get the surgical pathology report. Now that the tumor, lymph nodes, pectoral muscle, and skin that was removed during surgery had been evaluated, the doctor had all of the information needed to ‘stage’ my cancer. During that appointment, I was told that the tumor was 3.2 cm big, and that they did find cancer in 3 of the 19 removed lymph nodes. Fortunately, the doctor believed that she got good margins around the the cancer found in pectoral muscle. They also did not find evidence of the cancer spreading to my skin. Praise God! Based on this information, the doctor staged my cancer at Stage 2B. If one more lymph node had been affected, it would have been considered Stage 3.

Shortly after hearing the results, a MFT came to check on me to make sure that I was able to digest this news.  We talked briefly, and she then told me that an oncologist would be coming in to speak to me about the next steps for treatment. Soon after, the oncologist came in. He told me that my case was brought before a panel of doctors and that they had collectively decided the best next steps for treatment would include chemotherapy, radiation, and hormone therapy. As soon as I heard ‘chemotherapy,’ my heart sank. Up to this point, Caley and I hoped that chemotherapy would not be needed. I asked the oncologist to explain exactly why each of the treatments had been recommended. In summary, he described it like this:

1. Chemotherapy was strongly recommended because the cancer had already spread to my lymph nodes. Because lymph nodes transport fluids throughout the body, there is a possibility that cancerous cells had already been transported to other parts of my body. Chemo would hopefully kill these roaming cells.
2. Radiation was strongly recommended because there was still a possibility that a few cancerous cells were left behind in my pectoral muscle. Radiation to the pectoral region will help kill cancerous cells left behind after surgery and chemo.
3. Hormone therapy was strongly recommended because my cancer is fueled by estrogen. Hormone therapy will help suppress the estrogen in my body, which would give less fuel for the cancer cancerous cells remained after the other two treatments. Hormone therapy will last 5-10 years.

Wow, that’s a lot.

Hearing about all of the side effects and long-term risks did not make the situation any better. However, the doctor strongly believed that the benefits of these treatments greatly outweighed the risks. It did made me feel better knowing that these recommendations came from a panel of doctors, and not just one. Therefore, I had a strong feeling that if I went to someone else, they would tell me the same thing. But, you know me. I thought I would try anyway.

Two oncologists later, I found myself in the same boat. I soon realized that I just needed to accept the fact that I needed to proceed with chemo and radiation. Although I absolutely loved the care I received at Kaiser Sunset, I thought that it would be in my best interest to have my chemo treatments closer to home. Despite only living about 25 miles from LA, it can take approximately 1-2 hours to get to and from LA (each way). I had a feeling that I would be in no mood to sit that long in a car before and after my chemo treatments. Kaiser Bellflower made the most sense, since it is only about 10 minute drive from my house. One of my colleagues actually battled breast cancer several years ago and absolutely loved her oncologist at Kaiser Bellflower. Ironically, he was the same oncologist that I was assigned to.

Soon after, I met with my oncologist at Kaiser Bellflower to get the ball rolling with chemo. Ideally, doctors recommend that chemo start 4-6 weeks after surgery, and I was already 5 weeks outs from surgery. For this reason, my oncologist said that he would like me to schedule my first chemo treatment that same week. YIKES! Although I knew chemo was on the horizon, I didn’t fully sink in until that moment. He continued to tell my about the chemo process and confirmed everything that the other oncologists had previously told me. I would be given two different chemotherapy drugs: Taxotere and Cytoxen. (Apparently, these are very standard chemo drugs for early staged breast cancer.)  He also confirmed that I would need 4 rounds of chemo, scheduled once every three weeks. Although I was not excited about chemo in general, it was nice to hear that I would be finished with chemo by the end of summer. But of course he quickly followed with, “And you will lose your hair. All of it.”

Prior to having cancer, I did not know much about chemo. I didn’t know that there are different types of chemo drugs with different side effects, and I pretty much assumed that all chemo patients lose their hair. But after researching, I found that this isn’t true. Up until that point, I had hoped that I might be one of the ‘lucky’ ones who get to keep their hair. So hearing that I would definitely lose all of my hair quickly popped that little bubble of hope. I realized that my next personal battle would be to accept the fact that I would be bald in a matter of weeks.

For many women, losing both your hair and breasts at any age is difficult. Hair and breasts are things that often make women feel feminine and beautiful. Unfortunately, television, magazines, and the internet often reinforce the idea that women are only as beautiful as their breasts, butts, and hair. For this reason, I think it is only natural to feel extra self conscious about these particular areas. So when you are losing two of those things, it can really drag you down. And these feelings do not make you superficial, they make you human.

I will admit, the thought of losing my hair was actually a lot harder to come to terms with than I had anticipated. Afterall, I am the girl who has had the same hair cut since elementary: long and layered. The thought of cutting my hair above my shoulders was already hard enough, let alone being bald. I liked long hair. I knew what it looked like on me, I knew how to style it, and it was comfortable. So why mess with a good thing?

Looking back, I needed that time to grieve about my hair. And to my surprise, my bereavement did not last very long. I think that I soon realized that I had bigger things to focus on- like fighting this beast called cancer. I think that it also helped that Caley continually reassured me that I would look cute bald, and that he would still think that I was beautiful. And instead of considering him crazy, I believed him. I believed him because I knew that I would love him just the same if things were reversed. And of course, he is the only one I care to impress anyways. But like I said, I needed that time grieve about my hair so that I could move on.

Cancer and its treatments can can do a lot of horrible things. It has the potential to take away so much. In the end, you can feel absolutely stripped and exhausted both physically and emotionally. And, for good reason. That is why ‘fighting’ and ‘battling’ are very appropriate terms for living with cancer. On those tough days, I like to refer back to poem that was given to me by a friend’s mother, who also knows what it’s like to fight breast cancer.  I hope that it brings you a source of hope and empowerment when you feel like cancer has taken more than its share from you.

WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO

It cannot cripple Love

It cannot shatter Hope

It cannot corrode Faith

It cannot destroy Peace

It cannot kill Friendships

It cannot suppress Memories

It cannot silence Courage

It cannot invade the Soul

It cannot steal Eternal Life

It cannot conquer Spirit

Don’t forget to breathe.

You may remember in a previous post, me mentioning that I sometimes forget to breathe in stressful situations. And I’m talking literally, not figuratively.

The first time that I realized that my breathing was a problem was last year when I was in labor with my son, Easton. Because Caley and I feel the need to be prepared for everything, we decided to attend 5 weeks of Lamaze classes to learn more about the birthing process. They primariily taught us a bunch of different breathing techniques and gave us tips on how to remain calm and focused during labor. Prior to this, I had heard women say that they didn’t use any of their breathing techniques from their Lamaze class because labor was so intense that ‘technique’ was the last thing they thought about. I was positive that I was not going to be this woman and would have calm and collected labor. Of course, that was until I went into labor.

Despite all the reading and preparing I had done, I actually didn’t realize I was in labor until Easton was practically on his way out. When we got to the hospital, I was already 9 centimeters dilated.  In retrospect, I could have totally had Easton in the passenger seat of my corolla. Thankfully that didn’t happen, because I think Caley would have passed out, and I wouldn’t have been very far behind him.

Once in the delivery room, I was completely focused on the pain of the contractions (especially since I did not have an epidural). As I was moving through the contractions, the doctor noticed that I was not taking good “breaths” and needed to be placed on oxygen. If my Lamaze instructor was there, I bet she would have bopped me over the head with a birthing prop for not listening to her.

However, I wasn’t scared until the doctor said that I need to start taking some good breaths because the baby’s heart rate was dropping due to the lack of oxygen. It was at that point that I regained my focus, took some really good breaths, and delivered my son, who was perfect and healthy in every possible way. Of course, Caley still makes fun of me for not doing the ONE thing that we learned during our 5 weeks of Lamaze class. And that was to BREATHE!

So in other words, I have a history of not breathing during stressful situations. Unfortunately, I should have kept this in mind when it came time to undo my mastectomy bandages for the first time.

A few days after getting home from surgery, Caley and I decided that it was time for the “big reveal.’ Up until this point, I had not seen my chest, my stitches, or much of anything. I was extremely nervous to see what it looked like and for the pain that I was about to feel from the tugging and pulling of the bandages. Because we knew that taking off the bandages was going to be quite the process, we decided to wait until we put Easton down for his mid-day nap. This way we could concentrate and not be disturbed by our busy one year old.

As we began to unwrap my bandages, I couldn’t think about anything but the pain I was about to feel. As Caley began moving my drains and unwrapping the bandages, I got extremely light-headed and told Caley that I needed to sit down and take a break. Caley helped me over to the recliner and that’s when I realized that I had been holding my breath while unwrapping the bandages. But now, the problem was that I couldn’t catch it. I tried taking deep full breaths, but it wasn’t working. I could feel myself on the verge of passing out and my heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest. I felt myself fading fast, so I told Caley to call 911.

When the paramedics got to our house, my breathing was not any better and my heart rate was still really high. Fearful that my symptoms were surgery-related, the paramedics decided that it was best to transport me to Downey Kaiser. They put me in the back of the ambulance, and I began my journey to to hospital accompanied by an EMT and firefighter/paramedic. Of course, Easton slept through all of the commotion.

I spent the next few hours in the ER undergoing several tests. Thankfully, my brother-in-law was able to pick up Caley and bring him to the hospital while my sister-in-law watched Easton. It was nice having them (and my dad who came later) to keep me company while the doctor ordered an EKG and cat scan to check for blood clots. Once the tests came back, I was given a clean bill of health and sent home. In my opinion, I think that not being able to catch my breath caused a panic attack which exacerbated of all my symptoms. I later found out that anxiety was a potential side effect of my pain-med (Norco). This made more sense since I didn’t have a history of anxiety or panic attacks.

About a week later, it was time to meet with the plastic surgeon to see how my wounds were healing. He told me that things were looking good, and it was time to take out the drains. WAIT, WHAT? At first, I was estactic to hear that these painful, pesky drains were finally going to be removed. That was until I realized that it meant pulling three different sets of foot-long tubing out of small holes in my body. I told the plastic surgeon that I was really nervous about what was about to happen. He jokingly asked me if I had read online about how painful it was to remove the drains. I admitted to having maybe browsed a few message boards (I had read plenty), and he reassured me that I wouldn’t feel anything. Caley could tell that this situation had the potential to cause another panic attack and immediately told me to begin breathing. Caley even had some nervous laughter as he attempted to coach my breathing. The doctor began pulling on my right side, the most tender side first. I wish I could tell you that it didn’t hurt, but it hurt SO BAD. To my surprise, the doctor had pulled out both sets of tubing on the right side with one pull. And, I was also happy to find that the left side was much less painful. Although the process hurt, I felt instant relief (physical and emotional) once they were out. Ah, much better. I was so proud of myself for remembering to breathe during my visit with the plastic surgeon. It made the whole process less stressful, especially since I was getting much needed oxygen to my brain.

Through these two post-surgery experiences, I learned two very important things. The first thing is obvious: Don’t forget to breathe. Whether you are facing the challenges of surgery, you are worried about what cancer means for your future, or are just having a really tough day, try to take a deep breath. It makes a world of a difference. Oxygen to our brains helps neutralize stress and creates a calming effect over our bodies. For me, closing my eyes and feeling myself take a deep breath also reminds me that I am still alive and provides sense of gratefulness for the physical life that God has given me. In those moments, gratefulness begins to overshadow worry. Although there are days that I feel weak both physically and emotionally, those deep breaths remind me that I am strong enough to fight another day.

The second thing that I learned through these experiences, was that even in my scariest moments, God is with me. I have never been as afraid as I was that day in the ambulance, but God provided me with people in those moments to reassure me that he was watching over me. From the EMT who told me about his mother’s own experience with breast cancer on the way to hospital, to my ER nurse who told me his story of being diagnosed with cancer at a similar age, I knew that I was in the hands of people who identified with my situation and who saw as more than ‘just another patient.’ Also, seeing my family members immediately drop what they were doing to come help with Easton and sit with me in the ER reminded me about the amazing people that God has put into my life to support me through this challenging time. Those feelings of God’s presence are so reassuring and have helped me feel surrounded and protected, even in the most loneliest and scariest of times.

In other words, praise God for the life that he gives us every day. Whether you are sick or healthy, never take a day for granted. On those tougher than tough days, take a deep breath. Remember, you are strong and you will get through it. Ask for others’ help. Pray for God’s presence. You are not alone.

Drains and Giant Spiders.

I’m going to be completely honest. The first week home was probably one of the most challenging weeks that I have ever experienced. Especially, because the pain definitely increased since leaving the hospital. One of the questions I was asked the most was “what does it feel like?” Since I was given implants instead of expanders, it felt like there was something very heavy pressing against a very sensitive and raw part of my body. After all, the implants were placed under a thin layer of my pectoral muscle to keep them in place. That is in addition to the cadaver tissue  that the doctor used to create a ‘sling’ for the implants (yes, I said cadaver). Fun, right? As you can tell, this is a way different process than a typical breast augmentation. For this reason, I think that ‘reconstruction’ is a very appropriate name for this process. For my ‘reconstruction’ the goal was not to enhance anything, it was just meant to make me look ‘normal’ again.

And remember how I promised to tell you about the lovely drains? Well, here it is. (Warning: this may be a little graphic) If you have known anyone who has had breast reconstruction or a breast augmentation, I’m sure the drains is a memorable experience. To prevent fluid and blood from collecting in the surgical area, surgeons insert a long set of tubing to go from the surgical site, through the skin, and out of the body. On the end of the tubing are circular plastic pouches that collect the fluid. My surgeon inserted three drains during surgery, two on my right side, and one on the left. The two drains were put in on my right side because that is where my lymph nodes were removed.

Before leaving the hospital, the nurses showed me how to drain and record the collected fluid. It is important to ‘clear the line’ for each set of tubbing multiple times a day to prevent it from getting backed up. To do this, Caley had to place two fingers next to where the tube came out from my body to pinch and squeeze the fluid down down the tubing so it could empty in my collection pouch. Disgusting, right? Caley is obviously a champ. He did it day after day without even grimacing. I, on the other hand, could not look. Not only was I trying not to puke from how gross it was (I was already feeling nausea from the meds), but I was also bracing myself for the intense pain of the drains tugging at my raw insides. Thankfully, Caley never had to clear that drain coming out of my armpit because it was always empty. But, it still hurt the most.

During this time, I did not have a good reaction to all the medications that I was given. I was taking Norco (a pain med), an antibiotic, a stool softener, and some other one that I can’t remember. We had to write down the times I took each medication because we soon learned that we couldn’t keep track on our own. Unfortunately, many of the meds had the same possible side effects-nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, dizziness, anxiety, drowsiness, ect. And of course, I got them all.

One day I was laying the recliner in our bedroom, and I just happened to be looking our of the window when I saw something moving on our neighbor’s house. It looked like a HUGE spider was crawling down the wall. I yelled for Caley to come look at the giant spider. He quickly came in and said “That’s not a spider, that is just a nail sticking out of their house.” It was at that point, I realized that that pain meds needed to go. Plus, for a few days now, things looked like they were melting into the floor. Yes, it was time to get off the meds.

The magical recliner

I was also having a difficult time sleeping. I am already a very light sleeper, who tosses and turns several times a night. I am also a hardcore side sleeper so being limited to sleeping on my back was rough. Plus, I could not place my hands or elbows down to adjust because that just hurt everything in my chest way too much. For this reason, I was SO thankful to have that recliner. Although I could not lay on my side, the recliner let me adjust my legs and hips in a way that let me take the pressure off of my back for a while. And I slept with pillows. Lots of them. Caley was also really exhausted from being super-husband. He was either taking care of me every second, or working all day and then coming home to relieve my mom, only to take care of both me and Easton. So when he slept, he slept hard and snored so loud that kept waking me once I did fall asleep. Because I was constantly telling him to wake up and turn over, both of us decided that it would be best for him to sleep on the couch so the two of us could get a full night’s sleep. So there we were- me on the recliner, Caley on the couch, and our big king sized bed completely empty. We actually found it pretty comical.

And then there is the hygiene. Or should I say, lack of it. In order to prevent infection, I was told that I could not shower until the drains were out and was not allowed to use deodorant. And to be honest, showering was the last thing on my mind for the first few days. I was so dizzy that I getting from point A to point B was tough enough. Eventually, I started to smell myself, and my hair got really greasy. At that point, I was dying for a shower. It is all that I could think about. Bathing wipes helped me feel a little fresher, but it didn’t completely take away the grossness. I was also still in too much pain to wash my hair in the sink, so that was out. In addition to clearing my drains and using the bathing wipes, Caley brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, and gave me my meds every morning and night. Our bedtime ‘routine’ was quite the process and probably took a good 30+ minutes. But, I was so thankful to have his help because I really could not have functioned without him.

I have never felt so helpless during that first week. The negative side effects from the medications made the situation worse, but I will admit that it was probably because I did not take care of myself like I should have during the first few days. I was not eating and drinking enough, which I’m sure contributed to my dizziness and nausea. For this reason, my advice during recovery would be to focus on getting the nutrition you need to stay physically strong. Allow all others to help you, and take it one day at a time. Several times during that first week, I had to remind myself to stop worrying about how crappy I might feel tomorrow and just worry about the present. Don’t think about tomorrow, just focus on getting through today. Eventually, the days will start getting easier. I promise. You will be amazed at how quickly your body heals itself. I was fortunate enough to start feeling really good toward the end of week two. By week 3, I was on my own and getting my energy and strength back. Although it has only been two months, that first week seems like such a distant memory. It is definitely something that you can conquer.

Just remember, one day at a time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Surgery.

April 11th.

Surgery day was finally here! I spent the morning giving Easton extra snuggles and kisses before my mother-in-law came to pick him up. Although I was not scared about the surgery, I still felt the need to tell Caley how much I loved him and Easton. Of course, tears were shed, but Caley reassured me that everything was going to be fine. Caley and I arrived at Kaiser Sunset in LA around 9:00 am and checked-in to the surgery department. About 30 minutes later they called me back to get prepped for surgery.

I changed into a surgical gown and placed all of my belongings in a bag next to my bed. soon after, I met my nurse and the anesthesiologist. The anesthesiologist told me about the anesethia and what to expect before/after surgery. He mentioned that nausea and vomiting are common side effects of anesthesia. I told him that I had an extremely sensitive stomach and would definitely be that person vomitting in my hospital bed after surgery. He told me not to worry, and he placed a patch behind my ear that was supposed to help with the nausea (great decision because it totally worked).

At that point I was still surprisingly calm, but then the nurse told me that it was time to insert the IV. Now, I don’t have a fear of needles, I just really hate the process. Plus, IV needles are not the smallest of needles and frankly, they hurt (I know I’m probably a big baby). When I was in the hospital recovery room post-labor after having Easton, I think I may have asked 10+ times for them to remove the IV. I hate them that much. Well, let’s just say that 2 nurses and 4 attempts later, they finally got the IV in my arm. They told me I have ‘rolly veins’ which makes it much harder to get an IV started. Well, that’s just fantastic. Of course, my loving husband was by my side cracking up at the whole thing. I was laughing too. At that point, how could you not?

I was allowed to have two visitors at a time in the prep area so Caley, my mom and dad, and a couple of my mom’s best friends, who came for the surgery, took turns visiting me. It was nice seeing them while I waited to go back for surgery, and it helped keep my mind off of everything. Some of them were even wearing breast cancer awareness bracelets that my mom’s friend had brought to represent “team Kelley” during my surgery. It was a very thoughtful gesture and made me feel extra loved and supported. I asked Caley to wear mine that day since I couldn’t wear it. He still hasn’t taken his bracelet off, and its been two months since my surgery. He’s the best, I know.

Eventually, a nurse came in and said that they were going to give me a ‘little something in my IV to make me feel good.’ That ‘little something’ was serious stuff because I was one care-free girl in a matter of seconds. Caley continued to keep things light-hearted by joking around with me. I had told him prior to surgery that he was not allowed to record me while on anesthesia and post it on youtube. He would do something like that.

Shortly after, it was time for me to go back. Caley gave me a hug and kiss, and the nurses rolled me down the hall into the operating room. The operating room was quite large with lots of medical equipment.  There were several people in the room waiting for me to arrive, including a nurse who helped me move onto the operating table. The room was absolutely FREEZING. I asked the nurse if she could please put a blanket on me because I was shivering like crazy. The sweet nurse covered me with a warmed blanket that had been in some type of magical incubator, and I instantly felt better. While that was happening, I guess another nurse was fiddling with the IV because without any warning, I was OUT like a light.

I remember waking up extremely groggy in the recovery area with Caley next to me. It was bright, and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. Soon after, I realized that I had just woken up from surgery. Caley told me that the surgery took 6 hours which was longer than the 4-5 hours that they had estimated. I immediately looked down at my chest and realized that I had no idea what was underneath the bandages. We had planned on nipple/skin sparring mastectomy with a direct implant, but that was all dependent upon how the tumor looked and how much the cancer had spread. In other words, it was not guaranteed. I asked Caley if they were able to do everything that we had hoped, and he said “yes, they were able to do everything.”

Hearing that news was such a relief. However, I soon learned that they did find cancer in my lymph node during the sentinel node biopsy. This was horrible news. This meant that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and could be in other parts of my body. Because of this, the surgeon removed additional lymph nodes (19 to be exact) and sent them to the pathologist to determine just how many lymph nodes were affected. She also removed a portion of my pectoral muscle and skin closest to the tumor to be sure that all cells were removed. We were told that the samples would be sent to the pathologist, and we would get a full report back within a week. This meant more waiting. Ugh.

Soon after surgery I was moved to a recovery room where I spent the night. At that point, I had a decent amount of pain. Most of it felt like pressure, but it wasn’t anything a little pain meds couldn’t fix. The nurse gave me a ‘clicker’ that I could press to have the meds released into my IV when the pain got worse. They were AMAZING. However, they made me extremely sleepy. Anytime I pressed the button, I was asleep within a matter of minutes. I spent the first few hours after surgery talking to Caley, pushing my pain med clicker, and sleeping. But mostly sleeping.

I felt like the nurses took really good care of me and were very empathetic to my situation. I mean afterall, it isn’t every day that you see a 29-year-old recovering from a bi-lateral mastectomy. Probably my favorite things about my hospital recovery were these leg compression sleeves which inflated and deflated every few seconds to help with my circulation and prevent blog clots. I wore those around the clock, but it really just felt like a massage. I also found that going pee was quite humorous. Because I was still getting a little dizzy when standing up, the nurses let me use a bedpan. Despite giving it all of my focus, I would literally lay there on the bed pan for 20 minutes before anything would happen, and when it did, it was bright blue (from the anesthesia). This may totally be TMI, but we’ve already talked my ‘ladies’ so whats the harm with a little bathroom humor?

Fortunately, I did not have to stay in the hospital very long. My surgeon cleared me to go home the next morning, but I was given the option to stay another night if I wanted. Because of my pain level and my immobility, I really considered staying an additional night. However, I wanted to get home to see Easton and didn’t want to make my poor husband sleep another night on the hard pull out chair that is definitely not big enough for someone who is over six feet tall.

I was discharged a few hours later, and we began our journey home. Caley did a really good job a trying to avoid bumps and dips while driving. However, the ones that we did hit were SO painful. Fortunately, a couple of our friends gave me a ‘mastectomy seat belt cover’ prior to surgery. This cushion cover helped prevent the seat belt from pressing too hard on my chest. It was such a thoughtful gift and is one that would I totally recommend getting for someone who is about to have surgery on their breasts.

We eventually made it home, and I went straight to the recliner where I stayed the remainder of the night. Because we got out of the hospital later than we had anticipated, we decided it was best for Easton to stay another night at Caley’s mom’s house. I was bummed that I wasn’t able to see him, but it was actually nice to have a chance to get settled and figure things out without having to chase around a one year old. That first night required some pretty intense teamwork, but Caley and I got through it.

No matter the situation, surgery is always a little scary. Because I had pretty much ‘hand-picked’ my surgeons ahead of time, I felt very confident in their abilities. For me, surgery was scary because of what they might discover. Although finding additional cancerous cells in my pectoral muscle and lymph nodes was not what I was hoping for, it could have been worse. I was just thankful that my surgeon was able to identify what she did, and was able to remove everything without any complications. Now it was a matter of waiting to see how many lymph nodes were affected since this would help determine the staging of the cancer. Was I scared? Absolutely. However, I had to constantly remind myself that I just went though a major surgery, and I needed to focus my attention on healing instead of worrying. In order to keep moving forward, I knew that I needed to step up my ‘mental game.’

In a previous blog post, I talked about the importance of mental strength. Mental strength is so imperative for someone who is going through any type of cancer, not just breast cancer. The lack of control and the feeling of helplessness can be overwhelming. Do I cry? Yes. Do I think about cancer multiple times a day? Yes. I’m allowed to, and so is anyone going through this. But, not dwelling on it is key. Of course, its easier said than done. For me, I have found that praying, spending time with family and friends, and continuing my hobbies (i.e coupon-ing) has kept my spirits high. The cards, care-packages, and encouraging texts that I have received from family and friends have also really made a difference. Find what works for you and roll with it! You got this!